George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer said, “In order for Britain to be able to have an affordable pension system, the answer is clear; Work till you die, peasant scum.”
With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here?
To the surprise of not a living soul on God's green earth, Tony Blair announced his support for military intervention in Syria.
George Bosta, 35 of Newcastle, has given up drinking beer and as a result, has found he has lots of free time on his hands.
The year is 2113 and no-one knows that Luke Bailey, 41 of Wolverhampton, ever existed.
The poor people of Britain have said, as one, that they are very sorry for causing the economic crisis, that they won't do it again and so can they please, please stop being punished for their irresponsible actions that led to the recession/depression/never-ending-economic-hell.
In what crime scientists are describing as a 'surprising move', some criminal scumbags are to face having their names legally changed to 'Arsehole'.
Kevin Brock, the 27-year-old Briton, who was the only person to survive the tragic crash of flight 6927 has spoken to the world's press for the first time. Despite 327 people dying in the accident, Kevin walked away with only a few cuts and bruises.
Ed Miliband, the Leader of the Labour Party, has told voters that ‘I will do anything for your vote but I won’t do that.’
Civilisation reached a new milestone at 7.47pm on 27th May 2013 as the first computer to become self-aware came online. However the first ever being to have artificial intelligence disappointed scientists by immediately committing suicide.
Smashing the political world with a metaphorical sledgehammer, the British Prime Minister David Cameron, has admitted that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.
Microsoft have launched their new console - an all-in-one mega-entertainment system that will know your deepest, darkest secret.
“Fuck fire, fuck the wheel and fuck you all!” So said the booming voice from the loudspeakers to the gathering of technology journalists in Richmond, Washington State, as Microsoft launched the Xbox One on to humanity like some kind of benevolent cybernetic computer god.
“And lo, a terrible spectre haunted the earth, five horsemen: War, Hunger, Pestilence, Death and Farage. Armageddon followed in their wake. The end of world had come.”
Harry 'The Mad Butcher' Perkins, made a surprise pick for his last meal – a Pot Noodle.
“I was working on an excel spreadsheet, as I do, all day, every day, and then a thought hit me - striking every part of my consciousness simultaneously, like a freezing cold flash of lightning: 'Life is Meaningless'.
Our most special of correspondents, Johnny Spoons, went on the hunt for Britain’s most annoying cyclist and he found him AND THAT HE IS FROM HELL…
John Turin died in an extremely embarrassing manner and his family are finding it difficult to cope with this fact. Amidst their terrible loss is the uncertainty of how to deal with the comic circumstances surrounding John’s death.
Sarah Marjin, 33 from Harrowgate, has changed her profile picture on facebook to one of the actress Kirsten Dunst under the belief that they are similar in appearance. Some scepticism has emerged amongst Sarah’s friends.
Shaun McDiddle, a contestant on this year’s The Apprentice has proven himself the ultimate go-getter by going and getting his eyes surgically replaced with those of a tiger.
The King of the Zings, Jimmy ‘the Zinger’ Zasore has announced his retirement from all things zing. The master of the one-liner has decided to call it a day after over 50 years of zinging.
Hammer-fighting is a surprise last-minute 2012 Olympic sport The London 2012 organising committee has made a last-minute addition to this summer’s Olympic event line-up; professional hammer-fighting. In what will be seen as a surprising and possibly controversial move, London 2012 has made the decision “because we feel like it” and “to liven things up.”
A poll of people who daydream about becoming a benign dictator has revealed that the very first thing most would do if their wish was realised would be to ban the use of the non-word ‘learnings.’
The friends of Max Stuffely, 27 from Stevenage, stated that his recent transformation into that of a character from the 1999 film The Matrix had started to become a problem – a problem that required an 'intervention'.
Increasing numbers of Syrian civilians are smuggling oil into the country, in the hope that if they collect enough, the United States and its allies will launch a military intervention to stop the Syrian government's murderous reign of terror.
Tom Bottle described the first day of his new job at the jam factory with one simple word: “Brilliant!”.
So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath...
“I don't know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I've seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.
Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results. “I've never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.
Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially 'not bothered' about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.
Sarah Bellic has turned out to be a far better computer games player than her boyfriend, Michael Payne - to everyone's surprise.
Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.
It has emerged that Gary Spannerman of Darlington is unable to understand why his wife Cathy is so insistent that they spend £6,000 on a new kitchen.
A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it's a privately owned bank.
In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview - for the first time EVER!