Jan 302012

It has emerged that Gary Spannerman of Darlington is unable to understand why his wife Cathy is so insistent that they spend £6,000 on a new kitchen.

When first informed by Cathy that she had decided that they needed a new kitchen, Gary at first didn’t understand what Cathy was saying. Gary said “All the individual words made sense but the idea of spending £6,000 on a new kitchen – I thought I was missing something. I kept asking how is the current kitchen broke. How can a kitchen break? But in the end I got it – there was nothing wrong with the old kitchen. Cathy just wanted a new one.”

The ‘great kitchen controversy’ as Cathy and Gary’s friends and relatives have labelled it, has resulted in Gary questioning other aspects of his life. Gary said, “After talking to Cathy, I sat down and thought about my life. How did I end up here? I’m 38 and I’m not sure I’m really living the life that I want to. I just seemed to have slid in to it. My office job isn’t terrible but when I was younger I wanted to be an actor. When did I decide to give up on my dreams? £6,000 on a kitchen? Why don’t we save a little more, quit our jobs and go around the world for a year?”

Gary spoke to Firenado and said, “I just don’t understand. Why would we spend £6,000 on a new kitchen? It’s a huge amount of money. Our current kitchen is just fine.”

Cathy said, “We need a new kitchen. The old one is tatty. Plus it’s a good investment. It will increase the price of the house. We’ve lived in this house for 10 years, and the kitchen is at least 15 years old. It’s time we had a new kitchen.”

Cathy had done a considerable amount of research on the various possibilities and decided on one of Britain’s leading kitchen outfitters. “It’s a very modern design that will really fit in with the rest of the house. I know £6,000 is a lot of money – but that’s what a new fitted kitchen costs.”

There have been rumours that Cathy will terminate all sexual relations until an agreement on a new kitchen is reached. Sexual relations were briefly suspended after Gary questioned the need for a new kitchen on the basis that Cathy rarely uses the kitchen as it is. Cathy responded that has Gary has not provided her with children, the very least he can do is agree to the new kitchen.

Gary said “I don’t think any amount of sex is worth £6,000.” Although experts have expressed doubts as to whether Gary will to be able to go without sex for any considerable period of time without a dramatic decline in his ability to function.

Gary refutes this, “If we were to spend £6,000 on a new kitchen I wouldn’t want to have sex. I wouldn’t want to do anything. I may well curl up into a ball and just fucking die.”

Gary added, “£6,000! On a new kitchen! I just can’t understand why anybody would spend that amount of money on a kitchen.”

Analysts disagree on how the situation will resolve itself. One said, “I think the jury is still out. The most likely result is that Gary will give in, but there is a chance that a negotiated settlement will mean a kitchen that will cost in the range of £3,000 to £5,000. The prospect of Gary getting his way appear slim although we have rarely seen such determination before as we have in his opposition to spending £6,000 on a new kitchen.”

 Monday January 30, 2012  Posted by at 7:11 pm Relationships Tagged with:  No Responses »
Jan 282012

Controversy Erupts Over Banker’s Bonuses

A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it’s a privately owned bank.

The leaders of the political parties competed to sound the toughest in condemning the payout while doing nothing to actually stop the payout. The Prime Minister David Cameron said “It is disgraceful that the head of RBS is getting such a massive payout and I’m absolutely appalled, more appalled than any other political leader of course, but I have not done anything to stop the payout and will continue to not actually do anything stop this massive payout.”

Ed Miliband said, “If Labour were in government, this massive and unacceptable payout would never have gone ahead even though when Labour was in government, similar massive and unacceptable payouts happened on a regular basis. Did you know David Cameron went to Eton?”

Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats, said “Even if no-one likes me and no-one votes for me at the next election, I’m the deputy Prime Minister and no-one can ever take that away from me, can they?” When pressed to address the issue at hand, Nick Clegg said “Yes, it as an absolute disgrace and we the Liberal Democrats are bringing forward measures that are designed to make us look like we are taking action but that will not in anyway result in actual action.”

The British governments owns 99.99% of RBS through UK Financial Investments which is 100% owned by the British Government.

George Osborne said, “I would bet his bonus will be a lot less than the bonuses of other people running banks are going to get and half of what he got last year.” George Osborne actually said this, we didn’t make that quote up.

Firenado asked the Prime Minister why he won’t actually do something to stop the payout going ahead, “Well, we don’t actually want to take on the vested interests of the financial markets of course. We don’t really care in fact, but it is very important that we appear to think massive and undeserved payments are a bad thing.” Labour leader Ed Miliband added, “We would never actually do something to stop the payment going ahead of course but I must sound tough because I want to win the next election.”

Firenado’s political correspondent, Johnny Spoons explains, “No-one in the political establishment would actually do anything to stop the scandal of bankers’ bonuses because that would mean having a fundamentally different idea of how things should work i.e. that rich people should not be able to do what ever they want.”

 Saturday January 28, 2012  Posted by at 11:21 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 272012

In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview – for the first time EVER!

At the Firenado offices we were naturally sceptical when someone got in touch claiming to be the month of January but in the end we decided to just go with it.

January, or Jan, as he likes to be called, said that he just couldn’t take it anymore. “You know, it really can get a month down when everyone bad mouths you – or should that be – bad months yer!” Jan gloomily joked. “Every year it’s the same story, everyone saying how much they think I suck, how terrible they feel in January and how they can’t wait to see the back of me.”

“What people don’t understand is that December is a really tough act to follow. Everyone loves December and why wouldn’t they? December’s got Christmas and what have I got? My hands on my balls, that’s what. ”

Is there anything good about being January? “Well it’s great to be number one, I’m number one kinda guy, I mean month, after all. And it’s great to start the year with a big party, don’t get me wrong, but it is a little weird. Everyone’s all pissed up when I get there and that’s the highlight quite frankly because it’s all downhill from there. Everyone goes mental with resolutions, giving up this and that, getting all depressed when they fail.

Everyone blames me for being so poor. Listen, it wasn’t me that spunked away all your money over Christmas.

And why are so people glad that I’m about to finish? Feb ain’t all that, I mean he’s alright, but it’s not as though there is a lot to him, is there? What do you think of when you think of Feb? A leap day. Well that’s only once every four years. I don’t mean to be rude but Feb isn’t all there. 28 days?”

“Or 29!!”, we pointed out! January just stared at us with his sad and haunted eyes.

As we had January in the Firenado offices, we took the opportunity to pose the questions everyone’s been gagging to know the answers to!!

We asked January what did he really think of the summer months, July and August? “I don’t really know them that well, it’s a bit of a chalk and cheese situation, but if I had to comment, I would probably say they were smug bastards and that I hate them.”

But is January that different from July, as in the southern hemisphere January is quite warm and it gets chilly in July? “Yeah, good point.” January replies.

So does January have any tips for Firenado readers in getting through January? “Keep those expectations low, real low. When you have them as low as you think you can ever have them, lower ‘em so more.

A digit change in the year number doesn’t mean that you can magically change too. Rather than trying to change everything in your life – pick one thing and put all your energy in to that that. And keep your Christmas decorations up.”

So what does January do for the rest of the year, when he’s not busy being January? “Not much.”

NEXT MONTH: February

 Friday January 27, 2012  Posted by at 1:52 pm Madness Tagged with:  No Responses »