In Part 1 Gary Apricot told Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons his harrowing account of how he was stuck in a lift with Professor Richard Dawkins and the unelected-Baroness Warsi…
So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…
“Nothing happened at first. We all stood there in complete silence for about five minutes. So eventually I said ‘I think the lift is stuck.’ Still they just stood there, looking straight ahead like they could stare the situation away by sheer force of will. I squeezed around them, being very careful not to touch them, and pressed the emergency button and then I didn’t know what to say so I said ‘I’ve just pressed the emergency button.’ They both looked at me like I was some kind of dim-witted fool. So I squeezed around them again and we all just stood there.”
I told Gary that Firenado would want our money back if this story didn’t get any better. Gary continued, “So then Richard Dawkins said ‘Maybe we should all pray’ in what I can only describe as an incredibly sarcastic way. The unelected-Baroness Warsi just turned to him and with fury in her voice said ‘You Godless shit!’. They both looked incredibly angry.” Gary told me how for the next 2 hours Warsi and Dawkins had a wide-ranging discussion about the existence of God and the role of faith and secularism in a modern democratic state.
“It was very interesting but after the first hour I tuned out really. I stuck in my headphones and listed to some Chumbawamba on my MP3. I then realised I had a bag of Wotsits in my bag. I got them out and I realised that they had both stopped speaking and were looking at my bag of Wotsits. ‘We should share all the Wotsits’ said professer Dawkins and I reluctantly agreed. I had been looking forward to the whole bag but I suppose they were as hungry as me. We eat the Wotsits in silence. I handed them out one at time. It was quiet surreal really.” I nodded at Gary’s wise words.
Then we heard a voice from outside say ‘the lift is stuck but should be fixed in two or three hours.’ Both the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Professer Dawkins looked dejected. I thought they needed cheering up so I told them I might have another bag of Wotsits. Then they both started a continuous low moaning sound that got louder and louder until it became a scream and the scream got louder and louder until it became like a siren. I had to put my hands over my ears. They were both just stood there screaming and then this strange light started to beam out of their mouths and eyes.”
“Then there was this almighty clang and then a moment later the lift just dropped at an incredible speed for what seemed like a minute. There was an almighty crash. The doors opened and we were in hell!” Gary screamed at the top of his voice, looking at me with his mad-bastard eyes.
I then told Gary that I wanted my money back. With a look of disappointment, he pulled out the cash I had given him only 15 minutes before and he handed it to me. I took it, stood up and headed to my car. Over my shoulder I heard Gary shout, “I could tell you about the time I took a taxi with Melanie Phillips and Bob Crow!” I shook my head and walked away.