Feb 202012

In Part 1 Gary Apricot told Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons his harrowing account of how he was stuck in a lift with Professor Richard Dawkins and the unelected-Baroness Warsi…

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

“Nothing happened at first. We all stood there in complete silence for about five minutes. So eventually I said ‘I think the lift is stuck.’ Still they just stood there, looking straight ahead like they could stare the situation away by sheer force of will. I squeezed around them, being very careful not to touch them, and pressed the emergency button and then I didn’t know what to say so I said ‘I’ve just pressed the emergency button.’ They both looked at me like I was some kind of dim-witted fool. So I squeezed around them again and we all just stood there.”

I told Gary that Firenado would want our money back if this story didn’t get any better. Gary continued, “So then Richard Dawkins said ‘Maybe we should all pray’ in what I can only describe as an incredibly sarcastic way. The unelected-Baroness Warsi just turned to him and with fury in her voice said ‘You Godless shit!’. They both looked incredibly angry.” Gary told me how for the next 2 hours Warsi and Dawkins had a wide-ranging discussion about the existence of God and the role of faith and secularism in a modern democratic state.

“It was very interesting but after the first hour I tuned out really. I stuck in my headphones and listed to some Chumbawamba on my MP3. I then realised I had a bag of Wotsits in my bag. I got them out and I realised that they had both stopped speaking and were looking at my bag of Wotsits. ‘We should share all the Wotsits’ said professer Dawkins and I reluctantly agreed. I had been looking forward to the whole bag but I suppose they were as hungry as me. We eat the Wotsits in silence. I handed them out one at time. It was quiet surreal really.” I nodded at Gary’s wise words.

Then we heard a voice from outside say ‘the lift is stuck but should be fixed in two or three hours.’ Both the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Professer Dawkins looked dejected. I thought they needed cheering up so I told them I might have another bag of Wotsits. Then they both started a continuous low moaning sound that got louder and louder until it became a scream and the scream got louder and louder until it became like a siren. I had to put my hands over my ears. They were both just stood there screaming and then this strange light started to beam out of their mouths and eyes.”

“Then there was this almighty clang and then a moment later the lift just dropped at an incredible speed for what seemed like a minute. There was an almighty crash. The doors opened and we were in hell!” Gary screamed at the top of his voice, looking at me with his mad-bastard eyes.

I then told Gary that I wanted my money back. With a look of disappointment, he pulled out the cash I had given him only 15 minutes before and he handed it to me. I took it, stood up and headed to my car. Over my shoulder I heard Gary shout, “I could tell you about the time I took a taxi with Melanie Phillips and Bob Crow!” I shook my head and walked away.

 Monday February 20, 2012  Posted by at 1:33 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 172012

A special report from Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons.

“I don’t know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I’ve seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.

I found Gary sitting on the back steps of his house in a quiet street in Enfield. He was furiously smoking a rolled-up cigarette, rocking ever so slightly back and forth. I said “HELLO” very loudly. Gary lept-up and started screaming. You could tell that he was somewhat agitated but he agreed to speak to Firenado after I calmed him down and offered him some money.

“It was just a day like any other or so I thought.” said Gary, his eyes manically darting side-to-side looking for danger. “I’d just finished a meeting with a client and had gone into the lift – just like I’ve done hundreds of times before. I have always had a fear of lifts after I found out that on average, one person every day somewhere in the world is decapitated entering or leaving a lift. You see if the cable snaps, the lift is so heavy it falls so fast that it just chops the person in two. I thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to someone in a lift. I was wrong”.

Gary continued, “I got in at the 14th floor. At the 10th floor a man walked in and I thought I recognised him so I just stared at him, as you do, but he stopped and stared back with the scariest eyes I’d ever seen and said ‘What?’ in an incredibly sarcastic way. I then realised it was Richard Dawkins. All he said to me was ‘I’m sorry for being so incredibly smug.’ and I thought well this will make for an interesting story. Nothing happened until we got to the 7th floor. The lift doors opened and who was there but the unelected-Baroness Warsi. They just stared at each other and then she walked in and stood beside him.”

I asked Gary what was the atmosphere like. “Awkward. It very awkward.” was all Gary would say.

“The unelected-Baroness Warsi looked at me and said ‘I’ve just escaped from the lunatic asylum’ ” and she made a ‘pop’ sound with her mouth. I thought that that was a strange thing to say but then she is clearly mental I suppose. I wondered if they were going to have an argument but before anything happened we got to the fourth floor and the lift just stopped. It took a second for me to realise that I was stuck in a lift with the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Richard Dawkins. I thought ‘this is cool’. How wrong can a man be?”

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

PART 2 – Click here

 Friday February 17, 2012  Posted by at 2:00 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 152012
heart on fire

Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results.

“I’ve never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.”

Loveable loser Kevin told Firenado, “I just thought that we were done with all that and that we both knew that we loved each other. So I suggested to Cathy that we don’t bother with presents this year or any make any fuss really. She said that she thought it was a good idea. Sorted. Or so I thought…”

“Kevin really fucked it up this time.” said Kevin’s best mate Dan. “I told him it was a stupid idea. Get Cathy some flowers, a present and have a nice meal. She might have said that not doing anything for Valentine’s Day was a good idea but it doesn’t work like that. We all told him it was a bad idea and some of us know nothing about women. Even Barry knew it was a bad idea and he’s still a virgin and he smells and women don’t like him.”

“None of those statements are true” said Barry “but Kevin’s idea was truly terrible. Not even a card. What was he thinking?”

Firenado has learned that Cathy had thought Kevin’s professed plan to not participate in Valentine’s Day was part of an elaborate rouse and cunning romantic masterplan. Cathy had fooled herself into thinking there was a chance that Kevin would ask her to marry him.

“Will she’s shit out of luck isn’t she!!” Said Cathy’s best friend Margaret “But you make your own luck in this world and no good can come from a relationship with Kevin. Dump him. Move on. Job done.”

The morning came and went. Cathy saw flowers arriving at work but none of them were for her. It was only after Cathy got home at around 8pm that the terrible truth dawned – Kevin had done shit all for Valentine’s Day.

“It was horrible.” recalls Kevin. “She just had this look like everything good and decent in the world had died and then she just kept crying and crying and crying. I kept saying I was sorry but it was too late. She didn’t say anything. There was just this terrible moan.”

Cathy spent last night at Margaret’s and has cancelled all public appearances. Meanwhile Kevin has spent the last day staring out of the kitchen window saying “but she said she didn’t want a present…” over and over again.

 Wednesday February 15, 2012  Posted by at 2:01 pm Relationships Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 132012
The Queen saying 'meh'

Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially ‘not bothered’ about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The Queen phoned us at 3am on Friday morning and Firenado reporter Lucy Sledgehammer asked the Monarch what were her thoughts on reaching sixty years on the throne and what was she most looking forward to about the celebrations that will mark the event.

“The Diamond Jubilee? I’m not bothered about it. It’s a lot of fuss about nothing really. The thing is, it’s just not very relevant to me personally. What does the royal family really mean in this day and age?” said the Queen. “I think that royalty meant a lot more before TV when no one had anything better to do then sit around all evening and daydream about members of the royal family.”

“But isn’t it quite an achievement to reign for 60 years?” Firenado asked. “I suppose not dying on the job is a good thing, but I’m not sure it’s worth a party.” answered the glum-sounding sovereign.

But it seems that the Queen may be in tune with public opinion with polls indicating that around 90% of the British population couldn’t give a shit about the Diamond Jubilee with only the BBC, members of the government and sycophantic weirdos being exceptions.

So what does the Queen think about all the events that will be held to celebrate her 60 years on the throne? “Waste of money isn’t it? Although an extra bank holiday will be nice, won’t it? But it’s not as though I’ll get to enjoy it. I’m working that day.”

The Diamond Jubilee marks the 60th anniversary of the Queen being the Queen and is being marked by a series of events and celebrations centred around the weekend of 4th and 5th June including;

  • 200,00 children will compete in a race over a 15-mile course through the streets of London. The winner will get to have a jacket potato meal with the Prince of Edinburgh, Johnny Ball and Gary Barlow.
  • The Prime Minister and the High Commissioners from 50 Commonwealth countries singing ‘God Save the Queen’ while bouncing up and down on the world’s largest trampoline.
  • A Thames Royal Pageant which will consist of a flotilla of 1,000 speedboats going up and down a two-mile stretch of the Thames for a 48-hour period.
  • 10 million chocolate Celebrations with tiny parachutes will be airdropped by planes all over the UK on June 5th.

As we had the chance, we asked the Queen who was her favourite Prime Minister? “Easy. Winston Churchill. He always had time for you.” And the worst? “That would be Thatcher. Whenever she came over for dinner we could only have the plastic cutlery out in case she went off on one.”

The Queen would get in to the Guinness Book of Records if she is still reigning on 10th September 2015 as she would surpass Queen Victoria as the longest reigning British Monarch.

Follow Firenado for our in-depth coverage of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

 Monday February 13, 2012  Posted by at 1:08 pm Britain, Politics Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Feb 102012
You Suck!

Sarah Bellic has turned out to be a far better computer games player than her boyfriend, Michael Payne – to everyone’s surprise.

Sarah said ”Michael has always spent a lot of time playing computer games and I always thought that they were a bit stupid and a giant waste of time and that Michael should spend more time with me and actually living his life instead of sitting in his underpants in his living room playing at shooting people.”

But when Sarah was ill a few weeks ago with chronic diarrhoea she decided to see what all the fuss was about and there were some surprising results.

“As soon as I started playing, I had this sense that I had been doing this all my life. It sounds a bit weird but I felt that I was at one with the console, that my handling of the controller was an extension of my will. In a way, it was like I was born to do this. Who would have thought it? You’re not going to mention that I had chronic diarrhoea are you?”

Sarah completed all of Michael’s games in one afternoon and smashed all of his highest scores to shit.

But what about Michael’s reaction to this unexpected turn of events? On Michael’s return home that day, he didn’t believe Sarah’s claims but after several hours of playing head-to-head, Michael couldn’t hide from the fact that Sarah was much better at playing computer games than he was.

“At first it was tough to accept that Sarah is better than me at playing computer games but I’m not really that bothered. It doesn’t really matter does it?” Michael said as he looked into the distance.

But Sarah didn’t just play Michael. She launched herself into the world of online gaming and gained quite the name for herself.

“I have a lot of time for Sarah_LOL (Sarah’s tagname). Me and some other of the regulars were impressed that Sarah is really a woman and that she wasn’t a dude pretending to be a girl. Again.” said Brian Swadock aka Ninga_Gangster (Brian’s tagname). “She’s got some serious skills.”

So will playing computer games be a big part of Sarah’s future? “I don’t think so. It was fun but I think I don’t want to waste any more of my time on it. I’ve got friends, a career and more healthy, wholesome pastimes.”

However sources have informed Firenado, that Michael is secretly gutted that Sarah is so much better at playing computing games than he is. “It’s the only thing, that I’ve been good at and she’s taken it away from me” he told one friend.

The fact that she in no way sees her considerable aptitude as a valuable or desirable skill infuriates Michael even more.

Firenado has learned that Michael is secretly waiting for a pretext to end the relationship.

Michael’s mum weighed in the controversy by saying, “If Michael breaks up with Sarah then he’s an idiot. Sarah could do a lot better than Michael, he should count himself lucky.”

Sarah’s friend Becky agrees, “I don’t know what she see seems in him.”

We asked Sarah what she thought about Michael’s secret plan to end the relationship. “What? Michael wants to break up with me? But why? What have I done?”

Make sure you check in with Firenado, for further updates.

 Friday February 10, 2012  Posted by at 12:10 am Technology Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 082012

Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.

Under Goodwin’s leadership, RBS collapsed in on itself, creating a financial blackhole which sucked in £45 billion pounds of taxpayers’ money and all of Britain’s happiness since 2008.

Fred Goodwin’s time ended at RBS when everything went to shit. However despite RBS and the taxpayer losing billions, Goodwin made millions from his time at RBS and has an annual pension for the rest of time itself.

While it is normal for a pension to be paid in cash monies, for some unknown reason, not-Sir Fred Goodwin received his annual pension in the form of a big bed of money. The big bed of money costs £342,500 per year in maintenance costs and since the nationalisation of RBS such costs are effectively funded by the taxpayer.

The king-sized big bed of money consists of over 40,000 £50 notes and while not being very conformable to sleep on, is never-the-less, a big bed of money. Bed expert Anthony Shedding said, “It shouldn’t be possible to get a good nights sleep on a big bed made of money but somehow it is. We can only theorise that it’s the tangible sense of comfort and relaxation from knowing that you are sleeping on a big bed of money that gets you to sleep.”

When Fred Goodwin was informed of the loss of his knighthood, he said “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BIG BED OF MONEY??!!”. On being told that he will get to keep the big bed of money, he reportedly said, “Oh well. You win some, lose some!”, before crying himself to sleep on his big bed of money.

The forfeiture committee said that Fred Goodwin had brought the honours system into disrepute, saying ‘…and that takes some doing’. The forfeiture committee confirmed that the loss of his knighthood will in no way affect his ownership of his big bed of money.

The Prime Minister rejected demands that Fred Goodwin should be subject to regulatory action, criminal prosecution or even the loss of his big bed of money. “He’s had his knighthood taken away. I cannot see how we could have been any tougher.” He added, “Apart from actually being tough.”

The Chancellor, George Osborne, said, “I sincerely hope people accept this token gesture and that it will take everyone’s mind off the financial crisis, why it happened and how the country is utterly screwed.”

Ed Miliband, “I fully support this entirely symbolic act and this needs to the first in a whole series of entirely symbolic acts. As long these symbolic acts don’t upset too many rich and powerful people.” The Labour leader added, “I really want to be Prime Minister.” Before asking the Firenado reporter how he intended to vote at the next election.

A government insider added, “It is clear, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Fred Goodwin was solely responsible for Britain’s economic difficulties. Along with Ed Miliband and Ed Balls.”

The former Chancellor Alistar Darling objected to Fred Goodwin losing his knighthood by saying, “It was my fault too.”

Our financial correspondent Johnny Spoons said, “Everyone seems to have forgotten about the big bed of money and that Fred Goodwin was merely one person among many in the whole of the banking sector and political elite, all of whom enthusiastically supported a reckless financial system and a lack of regulation that led to the economic collapse in 2008.”

The Financial Services Authority as well as leading politicians on both sides are regarded by many to have a played a substantial part in the banking crisis due to weak oversight of the financial markets. The FSA was unable to give a comment as everybody at the FSA had been taken out to lunch this afternoon by the British Banker’s Association.

Fred Goodwin originally received a knighthood in 2004 from the previous Labour Government for services to Banking.

 Wednesday February 8, 2012  Posted by at 12:00 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »