Apr 272012

Hammer-fighting is a surprise last-minute 2012 Olympic sport

The London 2012 organising committee has made a last-minute addition to this summer’s Olympic event line-up; professional hammer-fighting. In what will be seen as a surprising and possibly controversial move, London 2012 has made the decision “because we feel like it” and “to liven things up.”

There will be two hammer-fighting events at the Olympics; a knockout competition and a mass-hammer fight. The knockout competition will feature the 32 best hammer-fighters in the world. The mass-hammer fight will consist of 200 men in an arena fighting until 199 of them are clinically dead.

There will be no women’s events this year and several women’s group have passed on the opportunity to criticise this exclusion, with one spokesperson saying, “Hammer-fighting? Really?”

Firenado spoke with hammer-fighting enthusiast Al Withington to find out a bit more about the sport. “I’m very excited about the prospect of watching Olympic hammer-fighting. The sport is long been overdue this recognition.” So what does a hammer-fight consist of? “Well typically, two men face each other, with hammers, and they fight until one falls down, drops his hammer or is otherwise incapacitated (dead).” So what kinds of hammers are used? “All kinds really, though generally, the longer the hammer the better. Lead hammers are the most popular – more reach you see.”

Al continued, “The hammer consists of two parts; the head and handle…” Al proceeded to talk all things hammerish for 137 more minutes. Our Firenado reporter was too terrified to interrupt a man clearly obsessed by hammers, within close reach of a number of hammers.

Britain’s Johnny ‘The Hammer’ Harrison is the favourite to win the gold medal in the knock-out competition. Firenado spoke to Johnny and asked him what the inclusion of hammer-fighting at the Olympics meant to him, “It means a lot. I love the Olympics and I love hitting other men with my hammer. It will be the highlight of my professional career.”

Not far behind Harrison is French hammerer Marcel ‘Two Hammers’ Pelletier and Santos ‘Skull-Hammerer’ Mendez. Both hammerers will be hoping for a place on the podium and an intact skull. It is unknown if the current world champion Mike ‘Hammered’ Tompkins will be competing in London 2012 because of an injury. The injury was as a result of being hit with a hammer.

Juan Corruptio, head of the International Olympic Association, said while he was surprised at London 2012’s choice, he hoped it would form part of a successful Olympic experience.

A spokesperson for London 2012 said, “Hammer-fighting is an important part of leaving a legacy for the people of Britain and part of that legacy will be lots of hammers for everyone.”

For your comprehensive 2012 Olympic coverage this summer, keep visiting Firenado.

 Friday April 27, 2012  Posted by at 1:35 pm Sport No Responses »
Apr 252012

A poll of people who daydream about becoming a benign dictator has revealed that the very first thing most would do if their wish was realised would be to ban the use of the non-word ‘learnings.’

Gary Spudow from Colchester spoke to Firenado, “As benign dictator there are many things that I would like to do but the very first thing would be to ban the word ‘learnings.’ ”

Michelle from Manchester said, “The word ‘learnings’ makes me so angry – too angry! And I don’t know why! Lessons! The word is lessons! Why not just try and replace the world ;table’! For crying out loud!”

Learnings has risen in usage in recent years for no good reason whatsoever. Leading Scientist Tom Hulitzer said “I think the only explanation for the rising usage of ‘learnings’ can be that is evil is real, it wants to destroy mankind and has started in its dispicable plans with the destruction of the English language.”

So what would be done with people who use the word ‘learnings’ in these benign dictatorships? “I would throw a dictionary at their heads.” said Michelle, while Gary told Firenado, “I’d have an actual grammar police and they would have big fucking truncheons.”

 Wednesday April 25, 2012  Posted by at 12:52 pm Madness Tagged with: , , ,  No Responses »
Apr 232012
A pair of sunglasses

The friends of Max Stuffely, 27 from Stevenage, stated that his recent transformation into that of a character from the 1999 film The Matrix had started to become a problem – a problem that required an ‘intervention’.

An intervention is a term used to describe an orchestrated attempt by family and friends to get someone to seek professional help for a serious and debilitating problem, often relating to addiction or mental or emotional issues.

“You could say Max was addicted… to being a dick! It just couldn’t go on.” Said Max’s best friend Al Wess. “It all started with Max wearing sunglasses – all the time,” Al told Firenado “no one thought too much of it but it was a little… odd.”

Another friend of Max, Jim Missive, told Firenado about how it really started to become an issue when, “Max bought a full length leather jacket all the way to the ground, it was like a bloody cape! I mean there’s nothing wrong with buying some new clothes, even ones that make you look like a wierdo, but I knew there was something else going on, I could sense it.”

Sarah Tardey, long-time friend of Max, thought nothing of Max’s sudden change in fashion. However it was Max’s increasingly bizarre statements about the nature of reality, “He kept saying, that ‘nothing was real’ and that it was all ‘a system of control’ and whenever the phone rang, Max insisted on answering it. He always seemed disappointed when nothing happened.”

However the final straw was Max going around asking random people to choose between whether they wanted a red or blue pill. “We felt that Max was going to get himself in trouble. So as his friends, we felt we had to step in.” Sarah said.

“I’d never done an intervention before – how hard could it be?” Al told Firenado. “Though I perhaps I went a bit over the top. I had read how the SAS strike at 3am in the morning, when the human body is at its least responsive, so that’s when we grabbed Max, got him in the back of my van and took him to the woods for a good talking to/slap.”

“It didn’t go well” Sarah told Firenado. “Thinking about it now, we should have looked up how you actually carry out an intervention. I turned up at 2.55am and we spent 10 minutes trying to get into the house. Al had assured me that he could the pick the lock but I had my doubts when he arrived drunk. Then the police turned up and as we were trying to explain what we were doing, Max opened the door, took one look at as us all and shouted ‘I knew I was in the Matrix’ and ran off. We haven’t seen him since.”

Max Stuffely remains missing. If you know of his whereabouts then get in touch with us at Firenado.

 Monday April 23, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am Entertainment Tagged with: , , ,  No Responses »
Apr 202012

Increasing numbers of Syrian civilians are smuggling oil into the country, in the hope that if they collect enough, the United States and its allies will launch a military intervention to stop the Syrian government’s murderous reign of terror.

“Iraq, Libya and possibly Iran! It seems the only way the international community (America) will invade a country is if the government won’t do what it is told and has lots and lots of oil. Well, we are a little short of oil but we’re working on it!” Said Baltasar (we won’t mention his surname to prevent the Syrian government from brutally murdering him.)

A defence expert cast some scepticism on the plan. “You would have to be utterly desperate to think that this could work.”

“We are utterly desperate.” Baltasar told Firenado.

A US defence spokesperson said, “Despite all evidence to the contrary and the most basic elementary logic, we don’t just invade countries because they have oil.”

But isn’t Baltasar worried about the inevitable deaths that would result from any military intervention? “We hope that a foreign reign of death and terror would end as opposed to a never ending domestic reign of death and terror. We are utterly desperate. Please help us.”

“This is our last hope.” said one Syrian. “I guess we’re shit out of luck.”

Not the Syrian Peace Plan

1. Government stops murdering innocent men, women and children.
2. Er, that’s it.

 Friday April 20, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am World Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Apr 182012

Tom Bottle described the first day of his new job at the jam factory with one simple word: “Brilliant!”.

“I couldn’t believe my luck! Me getting a job at the local jam factory!” Tom told Firenado reporter Johnny Spoons. “Me and the two other new employees were given a tour of the jam factory and it was very exciting! They gave us our brand new overalls and then showed us how the jam is made! From the raw ingredients coming off the trucks to the big mixing machine or the ‘Big Jam Machine’ as I like to think of it! Then there was the bottling plant. I told everyone my surname was ‘Bottle’ so maybe I should work on it! How we all laughed! It was like one of those tours of a chocolate factory you go on at back when you’re at school.”

“My dad kept saying how I was a “jammy dodger” for getting the job. He said it quite a lot and in the end I had to ask him to stop.”

So how was Tom received by his new colleagues? “I said hello to everyone, absolutely everyone. They all ignored me but I thought it was because they were all very busy and dedicated to their jobs.” However Fred Table, who has worked at the jam factory for 44 years told Firenado, “I’ve seen it all before. Everyone loves their first day at the jam factory and why wouldn’t you? You get to see the jam being made. It’s fun, even interesting. It’s on the second day that reality hits you, like a big bottle of jam smashing in to your face.”

We spoke to Tom at the end of his second day. “My second day was not so good. It just hit me as I was putting on my overalls. I have to do this for the rest of my life. I got put on the sugar machine. I put in a big sack of sugar every 3 and a half minutes. All day. Every day. It’s fucking shit!”

Ian Tuspin, manager at the jam factory told Firenado “One in every twenty-three bottles of jam that is consumed in the UK comes from this jam factory. Fact.” We asked Mr. Tuspin what conditions are like for workers at his jam factory. “Well, if you’re into making jam, this is the place for you. Plus you can buy jam at a 75% discount.”

“I don’t even like jam.” Tom Bottle told Firenado.

Another worker at the jam factory spoke to Firenado off the record and told us how there was only one way of coping with working at the jam factory, “You only work two days at the jam factory. Your first day at the jam factory and your last day at the jam factory.” What does that mean? “I don’t know really. But it helps. Everyone wonders how the jam is made. Well you don’t find out on your first day. You find out on the second day. It is made with our tears and abandoned dreams.”

 Wednesday April 18, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am Finance and Work Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »