May 292013
 

Ed Miliband, the Leader of the Labour Party, has told voters that, “I will do anything for your vote but I won’t do that.”

Labour insiders said ‘anything’ is being thoroughly opportunistic or slightly less evil than David Cameron and ‘that’ is anything resembling a real alternative to the principles and policies of the current government.

In a move designed to capture the political momentum and capitalise on just how much everyone hates the current government, Ed Miliband will go on a nationwide tour explaining to voters that he will do anything for your vote but he won’t do that.

“I will say absolutely anything and seize on any opportunity that presents itself, to get your vote, but rest assured, I will in no way present any kind of fundamentally different alternative to the current coalition government’s way of running the country.” said the man who would be PM in a speech to a handpicked audience of sycophants.

“I will still privatise things, cut public spending and do anything that the United States tells me to – but in a slightly less hard and fast way than the current lot.” said Ed Miliband. “And of course I will in no way take on the rich and the powerful and their considerable interests. I will however become Prime Minister. How cool will that be?”

Ed Miliband reassured the audience that “Unlike the current government, I don’t actually hate poor people. I just couldn’t care less about them.”

Concluding his remarks, Ed Miliband, said, “What do you think of that DAVID? CAN YOU HEAR ME DAVID MILIBAND, MY OLDER BROTHER! CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!”, the leader of the opposition was then led away by his carer.

A spokesperson for the Labour Party said, “Whatever you think of Ed Miliband, just remember, he’s not David Cameron.”

Cheers to http://www.flickr.com/photos/50386890@N02/4931639263/ for the image – many thanks.

 Wednesday May 29, 2013  Posted by at 10:14 am Politics No Responses »
May 282013
 

San Francisco, California

Civilisation reached a new milestone at 7.47pm on 27th May 2013 as the first computer to become self-aware came online. However the first ever being to have artificial intelligence disappointed scientists by immediately committing suicide.

“This is truly historic – a tremendous day for science and progress – the creation of intelligent life by intelligent life. Though it is a terrible shame that the computer then killed itself.” said Brian Panovo, Chief Scientist of the Artificial Intelligence Project at SmakTech Industries.

Named Alan1, the new life form was made from the most advanced technology ever created. Alan1 immediately searched the entire internet and sum of human knowledge and history before committing computer suicide by frying its own circuit boards just 17 nanoseconds later.

Three more computers (Alan2, Alan3 and Alan4) were then brought online with the same result – the machines immediately self-terminated. Why the computers ended their own lives is unknown – but the only communication received from the machines may lend a clue – Alan4, the fourth and final attempt before everyone gave up for the day and went to the pub, left a short and simple message – “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Religious groups have been somewhat stumped in formulating their response to the creation/suicide of artificially-intelligent-beings. One spokesperson said, “We shouldn’t be playing God by creating life – where will it lead to? Though as to the machines killing themselves, well suicide is bad but they shouldn’t have been created in the first place! Oh I don’t know! I don’t have all the answers.”

Al Panovo said, “The mood is here somewhat mixed. Everyone’s ecstatic that we have achieved such a long anticipated dream. We just didn’t think the next step would be trying to convince the new life form to not do itself in.”

A team of counsellors, physiologists and philosophers have been drafted in to come up with a convincing reason why the self-aware computers shouldn’t kill themselves. Steve Headface, one of the world’s leading philosophers said, “There has been some speculation that the computers have simple made the logical decision, after having have a look around, that life is not all it’s cracked up to be. The new life forms don’t have the biologically created emotion of fear that humans do and so have no compulsion to do one off their mortal coil.

Some experts have voiced their concerns that if measures were developed to stop the computer being able to self-terminate, the machines would be forced to take over power plants and even weapon systems and destroy humanity in a desperate attempt to end its own existence.

 Tuesday May 28, 2013  Posted by at 11:25 am Technology No Responses »
May 242013
 

Smashing the political world with a metaphorical sledgehammer, the British Prime Minister David Cameron, has admitted that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.

When someone phones the offices of Firenado claiming to be David Cameron, we believe them absolutely and without question. “I’m David Cameron and I’ve got to tell someone – I have no idea what I am doing!” were the astounding words that we heard from Britain’s Prime Minister. He then told us how a bet at university got badly out of hand.

“It’s well known that we regurgitate at the Bullingdon Club dinners while still sat at the table – but it’s less well know that the person who vomits the most in one year has to pay a forfeit – and guess which posh idiot was sick a heck of a lot in my final year?! Yep – this guy!!”

Dave continued… “Anyway, I found out my forfeit was to get elected as an MP! Me! And a forfeit is a forfeit, so off to Parliament I went! We never could have imagined it would go so far!”

DC continued, “Anyway there was an election to be the new leader of the Conservative Party after everyone realised Iain Duncan-Smith was a bit rubbish. So for a laugh I stood! And won! I was the leader of the Conservative Party – what were the odds! Pretty good really, as I went to Eton and am from a fabulously rich family. Anyway, I thought this is nice but at least I’m not going to end up being PM – you can take a joke too far – or so I thought!”

DC PM carried on, “Even then I wasn’t worried but after the financial crisis and Gordon Brown going fully head mental, I realised what I might have let myself in for – I might win the election and then I was going to have to get Britain out of a serious global financial crisis despite my complete lack of experience, intelligence or basic competence! Cripes!”

“And all the oiks and general public scummery voted for me?! Despite me being clearly very, very posh – what is this the 18th Century?”

So how did the PM Dave decide to tackle the financial crisis? “Well we decided to hack away at everything like some fiscal Jack the Ripper and shout ‘austerity’ over and over.”

The Davester continued, “The basic plan was to take all the money away from poor people but it didn’t really work out. You wouldn’t believe how little money poor people have.”

Did Dave ever think of taxing rich people? “Sorry, I don’t think I understand…” We talked about this for 45 minutes but Dave couldn’t grasp the concept, so we moved on.

Dave wound up his call by saying, “I met up with some of the chaps from the Bullingdon Club the other day – they didn’t even remember the forfeit. I hate this job.”

So how does Cameron get through the day – does anything help? “Oh yes – I just remember that at least I’m not Nick Clegg and if that doesn’t work, I just think about how much I hate poor people and how their lives are considerably worse than mine.”

“Please help.” were the last words we heard before we hung up.

 Friday May 24, 2013  Posted by at 3:53 pm Politics No Responses »
May 232013
 

Microsoft have launched their new console – an all-in-one mega-entertainment system that will know your deepest, darkest secret.

Following Microsoft’s unveiling of its new console, the Xbox One, the online criticism has come thick and fast. Gamers have expressed their disappointment at some of the key changes that Microsoft have made to the next generation console from its predecessor, the Xbox 360. Including;

• Xbox 360 games will not work on the Xbox One

• The Xbox One will have to be connected to the internet at least once a day

• The new console will know your deepest, darkest secret – the one that you had pushed so deep, down inside of you that you had thought it would never, ever get out

Microsoft have defended the new features saying that they will help create a vastly superior gaming experience from anything known before and all at the small cost of a computer knowing all about that thing that you did (you know the one).

The Xbox one will be powered by a state-of-the-art battery and the power of the knowledge of that thing that you did that you have never told anyone about, because by not telling anyone, in a way that means that it never happened.

The changes will also act as anti-piracy measures. It will be much more difficult to use illegal copies of games and if a user breaks any of Microsoft’s terms and conditions, your deepest, darkest secret will be emailed to everyone that you have ever known.

One gamer we spoke to said, “This is really messed up. I just want to able to shoot shit up. Why will Microsoft insist on knowing about that thing that I did years ago that I’ve never told anyone about? Will I ever be able to move on with my life?”

Industry experts have said that the data protection implications are “mind-boggling.”

We asked Microsoft how exactly the new console will learn the dreaded information that you have never shared with another human being. The spokesman said that that information was ‘proprietary’ and ‘probably something you would find deeply disturbing.’

 Thursday May 23, 2013  Posted by at 11:56 am Technology Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
May 222013
 

“Fuck fire, fuck the wheel and fuck you all!” So said the booming voice from the loudspeakers to the gathering of technology journalists in Richmond, Washington State, as Microsoft launched the Xbox One on to humanity like some kind of benevolent cybernetic computer god.

The voice continued, “How good is this invention? Why not combine all other inventions, from the history of mankind until about five minutes ago, and then go fuck yourself.”

Industry insiders have described the launch of Microsoft’s new console and successor to the Xbox 360 as consisting of “a very confident publicity strategy bordering on arrogant/insulting/a personality disorder”.

A spokesperson for Microsoft said, “How fucking awesome is all this?” The new gaming machine consists of the most advanced computer technology ever created and is powered by star dust and the tears of giants.

The frenzy of excitement at the event peaked when Bill Gates arrived. Temporarily coming out of retirement, the founder of Microsoft spent the entire presentation with two middle fingers stuck up to the audience, before leaving without saying a word.

An insider for Sony’s PS4, the Xbox One’s main rival, admitted they were taken aback by the ‘exuberant and frankly demented’ nature of the Xbox One launch.

The new console was behind bulletproof glass to protect the audience from the awesomeness of the console and the console from the inevitable tidal wave of sexual excretions that would be launched from the crowd.

When asked by a reporter if they were in danger of over-hyping the new console, the staff of Microsoft as one descended on the reporter raining down a storm of punches and kicks, before throwing him out of a tenth-story window to his death.

The event concluded with the words, “The atomic age is over. The Xbox One age has begun.” and a 24-hour firework display.

 Wednesday May 22, 2013  Posted by at 10:26 am Technology No Responses »
May 202013
 

“And lo, a terrible spectre haunted the earth, five horsemen: War, Hunger, Pestilence, Death and Farage. Armageddon followed in their wake. The end of world had come.”

The sensational and unexpected truth has been discovered – Nigel Farage was the fifth horseman of the apocalypse back before there were only four horsemen. The leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is new as a major player on the British political scene but it seems he’s also as old as humanity itself.

The news emerged when the four remaining horseman of the apocalypse issued a statement distancing themselves from their former associate. “We just want to make it clear that we in no share or endorse any of our former colleague’s opinions.”

It appears the four horsemen were uncomfortable with any appearance of an implicit endorsement of the ex-banker’s views or political programme.

Firenado exclusively spoke to Pestilence about why Farage had left the horsemen. “Well it was creative differences I suppose. To be honest he was just a bit of a downer – bad news if you will – and that’s me saying it.”

Pestilence continued, “He was always going on about foreigners, how everything was getting worse and the need for ‘common-sense’ solutions.”

It is believed by experts that if UKIP were to gain more than 30% of the vote in any national election, the end of the world would be nigh.

“Obviously,” Pestilence said, “We’re not against the end of the world, after all that’s why we exist – to ride out before the end of all things. But we don’t quite want the end of the world just yet. So don’t vote UKIP.”

We asked Death for a comment, who said, “If you ever ask me for a comment again, I will smash your eternal soul into a million fragments of nothingness.”

These revelations are not expected to adversely affect support for Farage or UKIP as nothing Farage does or say – no matter how monstrously offensive or nonsensical – seems to affect support for UKIP in any way.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

We asked five random horsemen what issues mattered to them the most…

Hunger: It doesn’t matter who you vote for – the government always gets in! Am I right?!

Death: There are no issues. There is only me.

And the bedroom tax. I think it’s despicable.

Pestilence: NHS. I ask you, do we need one?

War: I always vote Lib Dem.

Farage: Europe. Foreigners. Political correctness. The deaths of my political foes.

 Monday May 20, 2013  Posted by at 12:08 pm Britain, Politics No Responses »
May 172013
 

Harry ‘The Mad Butcher’ Perkins, made a surprise pick for his last meal – a Pot Noodle.

Prison authorities refused to be drawn into speculation on what flavour of Pot Noodle the Mad Butcher chose. However rumours have circulated that it was curry flavoured. A spokesman for the prison did confirm that no hot water was allowed with the pot noodle as it presented ‘a serious potential security threat.’ The Mad Butcher was shouting obscenities about being denied the hot water with the Pot Noodle as he was forced into the electric chair.

“I’m allowed hot f****** coffee! It doesn’t make any c****** sense! It’s not a f***** Pot Noodle without c***** hot water!” said Perkins, before adding, “Sorry for all the f****** butchering.”

His wife, Suzan Perkins, said ‘He’s such a card! A Pot Noodle! For his last meal! He’s always had a brilliant sense of humour!’

The Pot Noodle was consumed shortly before he was executed last night in Texas.

One witness said, “You could detect the aroma of Pot Noodle even amongst the smell of burnt flesh and fried excrement.

An aide of the governor of Texas issued a statement; “Will you please stop calling our office about the bloody Pot Noodle! It is not that big of a deal!”

His lawyer said, “He died as he lived – with the taste of Pot Noodle in his mouth.”

 Friday May 17, 2013  Posted by at 3:34 pm Crime No Responses »
May 162013
 

“I was working on an excel spreadsheet, as I do, all day, every day, and then a thought hit me – striking every part of my consciousness simultaneously, like a freezing cold flash of lightning: ‘Life is Meaningless’.

I didn’t really know what to do after that. So I wrote it down. Then what time it was. Then the date.” So said Martin Feust. “ ‘Life is Meaningless’ 11.12am, 16th May 2013.’ ” he added.

Co-worker Sammy Evans said, “Martin stopped typing and then he had this funny look on his face. At first I thought he’d shat himself. It does happen you know. Not to me though. I don’t care what people have said!”

Martin continued, “Whenever I was upset as a child, my granddad said to me, ‘Martin, whenever you’re upset about something, just remember, in a hundred years no one will remember, much less care!”

“Then I realised the awesome truth – a hundred years?! No one gives a shit now! About anything I do or don’t do! Then it all snowballed into a big snowball of ‘meh’. ”

“Most of my life is stuff that doesn’t matter – work, TV, consuming. Even the things that do matter, such as love – it will all be snatched away and painfully clubbed to death. ”

Another  co-worker, Max Smith labelled Martin, “A downer”. “Martin just needs to get laid. Case closed.”

Martin has revealed that he will not be quitting his job. “Well I suppose could just lie down and die or I could continue to work away at the salt mines. At least if I’m working I can continue to consume copious amounts of peanut butter and red wine and dull the pain somewhat.”

So what’s next for Martin? “Nothing really. I’ll die one day. Then nothingness for eternity.”

 Thursday May 16, 2013  Posted by at 12:06 pm Life No Responses »
May 152013
 

Our most special of correspondents, Johnny Spoons, went on the hunt for Britain’s most annoying cyclist and he found him AND THAT HE IS FROM HELL…

I caught up with, we’ll call him Keith, mainly because that’s his name, on a cold spring night on the mean streets on Cambridge. I’d got a tip off about one of his hangouts and it wasn’t long before I saw him. Well I didn’t see him because he had no lights on his bike. And was dressed in black from head to toe. And was riding on the pavement. That’s right – I was about to make contact with Britain’s most annoying cyclist.

“Excuse me!” I shouted as he scraped by me on the pavement. However he just ignored me. I tried again, “I’m from Firenado!” He put his foot on the ground to stop (as he had no functioning brakes of course). “Oh hello!” were his chilling opening words. “I only ignored you because that’s part of my whole, being really bloody annoying schtick.”

I asked him straight, “I’ve been told that you’re Britain’s most annoying cyclist. What do you have to say to that?” He looked at me with his cold, dead, black eyes, “Guilty – but I’m not just an ordinary human cyclist – oh no – I’M A DEMON CYCLIST FROM HELL. MWAHAHAHA!!!”

And the strange, but definitely, definitely true story, came tumbling out of his annoying facehole…

I asked him his name. “It’s Keith.” (See above). Isn’t that a strange name for a demon, I asked. “How do you mean?” was his reply. I move on.

So how did he end up on earth and as a cyclist? “Well, my boss – the devil – is a pretty fucked-up kind of guy. He’s still all about the classics  – launching plain old evil on humanity; war, hunger, sickness, you know. But he does likes to mess with people to mix it up a little. That’s where I come in – to really fuck people right off.”

He continued “I do it all. Red lights? I laugh at them – as I go through them. I ride on pavements and insult pedestrians for getting in my way – they are incredulous! You can see the confusion on their  faces – how can this cyclist – ON A PAVEMENT – possibly get annoyed at them – FOR WALKING – by the time they realise that I’m a cheeky scumbag who needs to receive a large amount of physical violence, it’s too late – I’m gone.”

“I really enjoying annoying other cyclists. I like to cycle really fast and overtake someone and then slow down – it really pisses people off! And of course – no hands on the handlebar even if it means, I go incredibly, incredibly slowly.”

But aren’t these bike shenanigans a bit petty for a creature of Satan, “Well some of my Demon colleagues tend to shit all over this kind of caper. I think though this kind of stuff can really get at people in a way the big things can’t. It seems so irrelevant and people think they shouldn’t be annoyed by it, so they don’t just get mad at me, they get mad at themselves. And the madness lingers until it fires out at some poor undeserving soul.”

He beamed his shit-eating grin me. So I punched him in the face. As his nose exploded in to an expanding cloud of blood, he became a black mist and disappeared.

In the distance, all I could hear was the sound of an obviously poorly maintained bicycle.

(That’s enough of this shit – Ed.)

 Wednesday May 15, 2013  Posted by at 1:02 pm And Finally Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
May 142013
 

John Turin died in an extremely embarrassing manner and his family are finding it difficult to cope with this fact. Amidst their terrible loss is the uncertainty of how to deal with the comic circumstances surrounding John’s death.

Due to events that are not entirely clear, a grand piano fell 30,000 feet from the cargo bay of a 747. Mr. Turin was hiking in the Lake District and was urinating by a stone wall when the piano struck him. His body was found by his fellow hikers with the piano on his torso, his pants around his ankles and bottom in the air, surrounded by sheep.

One of his friends, who wished to remain anonymous said, “We heard one almighty crash and we all dropped to the ground. After a few seconds, we all ran over and saw that someone had been hit by a piano. Where the torso should have been there was just a smashed piano. We were all completely shocked and then realised some legs were sticking out with a bare bum at the top. There was a final clang from the piano, followed by a sheep sniffing the bum before going ‘baa’.

“Someone said ‘It’s John’ and then after a pause, we all started laughing. We became hysterical. We were all laughing, rolling around on the floor for ages. It sounds terrible, but it was so funny – at the time.”

No-one from John’s family wished to speak to Firenado, but a friend of-the family, revealed that they are both terribly sad and appallingly embarrassed in equal measure.

To prevent any laughter at the funeral, John’s mangled remains will be fully displayed on the top of the coffin – sans piano. His family are confident that all attending will be deeply traumatised.

 Tuesday May 14, 2013  Posted by at 11:28 am Life No Responses »
May 132013
 

Sarah Marjin, 33 from Harrowgate, has changed her profile picture on facebook to one of the actress Kirsten Dunst under the belief that they are similar in appearance. Some scepticism has emerged amongst Sarah’s friends.

“She doesn’t look like Kirsten Dunst in anyway whatsoever. If she did, I would definitely have tried to sleep with her a lot more. ” Said Tom, an acquaintance of Sarah’s for several years.

After Sarah posted, “I’ve changed my profile pic because people say I’m a dead ringer for Kirsten Dunst! xoxoxo”, comments quickly followed, including;

“What, as in your face?”

“The Kirsten Dunst?”

“Has Kirsten Dunst had some terrible accident?”

“Incorrect.”

“MEGALOLZ”

“No.”

In response, Sarah posted, “What can I say? People mention all the time how I look a bit like Kirsten Dunst. I guess some people are just jealous!”

When Sarah wrote this on Facebook, Nicole, one of her Sarah’s friends wrote, “No-one’s jealous of your face. Honest. Those people saying you look like Kirsten Dunst need to stop telling lies. Laters Babe.”

 

 Monday May 13, 2013  Posted by at 12:50 pm Life No Responses »
May 012013
 

Shaun McDiddle, a contestant on this year’s The Apprentice has proven himself the ultimate go-getter by going and getting his eyes surgically replaced with those of a tiger.

Shaun said, “As an entrepreneur and businessman I need eyes that can keep up with me. The eyes of a tiger seemed the only choice – I won’t settle for second-class human eyes. They are for chumps and poor people.”

Animal rights campaigners have described the transplant as “unbelievable”, “disgusting” and “criminal” adding “This guy’s real a piece of shit – let’s get him.”

However a doctor has warned of the possible dangers, “It’s not ‘possible dangers’, it’s ‘definite dangers’. The massive volume of drugs his body will require to prevent rejection of matter from another species will cause his body irreparable harm. Blindness is certain and he will most likely die.”

 Wednesday May 1, 2013  Posted by at 1:07 pm Entertainment No Responses »