Aug 312013
 
A clock representing the future

The year is 2113 and no-one knows that Luke Bailey, 41 of Wolverhampton, ever existed.

Here at the Firenado offices we often receive communications from the Firenado office of the future via a timewarp conduit – a common piece of technology in 2113.

We got in touch with Luke Bailey. “What are you talking about?” Luke said.

We then told Luke, how not a single living sole in 2013 knew that Luke Bailey had ever been and what is more, there is no evidence that he had ever existed. “So I didn’t finish writing that book?” Luke asked. “You did Luke, but no-one apart from you ever read it. The only copy was thrown into a skip, less than 24 hours after you died.” We informed Luke.

After a long and frankly awkward silence, Luke asked, “But what about my kids and grandkids? My wife and I have just started trying to have a child.” What can we say Luke? Stop trying.

We then told Luke, the exact time, date and circumstance of his death. “Why would you tell me that?”

Luke thanked us for passing on all this information the only way he knew how, by saying, “Go away!” You’re welcome.

 Saturday August 31, 2013  Posted by at 5:24 pm Main Story No Responses »
Aug 282013
 
A picture of some money on a financial newspaper.

The poor people of Britain have said, as one, that they are very sorry for causing the economic crisis, that they won’t do it again and so can they please, please stop being punished for their irresponsible actions that led to the recession/depression/never-ending-economic-hell.

“I am not sure what it is that I did.” said a disabled mother-of-three. “But I am very sorry.” She continued, “But I really like the home I have lived in for the last 30 years. Please don’t evict me.”

A unemployed 17-year-old said, “Yeah, sorry for whatever it is that I did when I was 12 but I won’t do it again. Can I have a job now? And a future? Please?”

Since the economic crisis of 2008, governments in Britain and through out Europe and North America have made it quite clear that the poorest people in society will not get away with their irresponsible actions, whatever they were, that led to the economic crisis. Funding for benefits, schools and hospitals have all received massive cuts with more on the way.

One massive banker, Johnny Bastard, spoke to Firenado, “These last few years have been hell. With me continuing to be fabulously rich through the massive bonuses – I still receive – I don’t how I’ve managed to survive. Wait a minute, yes I do know, it’s because I’ve got loads of money.” Johnny Bastard then laughed out loud for the next 34 minutes.

After Johnny Bastard recovered, he told Firenado, “It’s quite clear that the unemployed, disabled and everyone who is not rich, are to blame for the recession – why else would they be the ones paying it through massive spending cuts and wage freezes? HAHAHAHAHA…” Johnny Bastard then laughed for the next 52 minutes before a private ambulance made of gold arrived to take him away.

Firenado asked a spokesperson for the British government, would did they say to the charge that perhaps it was the deregulation of the financial sectors combined with irresponsible banking practises that led to the economic crisis and furthermore, shouldn’t the small section of the society, the very rich, that have benefited most, both before and after the economic crisis, have to pay for it through modest tax increases?

The answer was unequivocal, “Shut up you communist scumbag and probable terrorist.”

NEXT WEEK: Even poorer people from the developing word say: “Then what the hell did we do to be treated like this?”

 Wednesday August 28, 2013  Posted by at 12:55 am Main Story No Responses »
Aug 192013
 
Lady Justice

In what crime scientists are describing as a ‘surprising move’, some criminal scumbags are to face having their names legally changed to ‘Arsehole’.

Motorists who don’t indicate at roundabouts, motorists who lecture cyclists incorrectly on the rules of the road, cyclists that don’t have lights or bankers who commit any crime, are all know by decent people everywhere as ‘the worst scum of the universe’, and face this novel sanction under the new proposals.

A spokesperson for the Department of Justice said, “If these plans are adopted, anyone found guilty of certain specific crimes will have their name changed to Arsehole and will have to have it on their passport, driving licence and any and all official documents.”

As well as acting as a deterrent, the changes will that mean everyone will know who these scumbags and arseholes really are.

It has been revealed more serious crimes, such as murder, will not be included because a change of name for the offender won’t really make anyone involved feel any better.

If successful, the changes will be in place by 2015. Further plans may include expanding the range of terms that criminals can have their name changed to, to include ‘Complete Arsehole’, ‘Supreme Bellend’ and ‘A Real Piece of Shit.’

 Monday August 19, 2013  Posted by at 9:13 pm Story 2 No Responses »