Sep 142013
 
GLOOM GLOOM

With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here? Firenado spoke to the bewildered people of Britain.

Sarah Marywhistle of Stoke-on-Trent said, “It rains all the time, every bloody day. Why do I live here? My cousin lives in Australia – it’s hot all the time there – and sunny!”

“I get so sad and depressed at this time year. It gets so dark. It’s like living your life with sunglasses on in a place with no sun.” Said Archie Monroe from Leicester. “Every year I go on holiday to somewhere I actually enjoy being. Why don’t I just stay there?! Why don’t I?”

“It just hit me, like a ton of autumn bricks: this is a sodding miserable place to live!” So says Kevin Connor, 32 of Kent. “You might, might I say, have an okay summer and then it gets dark and stays dark for the next 8 bloody months! It’s raining, it’s cold, it’s miserable! I might think about emigrating! Come to think of it, I thought that at the same time last year!”

Not only has it dawned on millions of people throughout Britain that it’s a miserable to place to live, they have also realised that they thought this exact same thing at this time last year.

Sir Thomas Moragan, head of a hitherto secret Home Office task force with the single goal of Stopping People Leaving the UK (SPLUK) speaks exclusively to Firenado.

“It ain’t easy but somebody has to do it and that body is me!” Said Sir Tom. “Now your first bit of autumn is not too bad. Sure people start thinking, wait a minute, what a ‘shithole’! but they’re easily distracted with red and brown beautifully coloured autumn leaves, makes ’em think of childhood don’t it? It soon gets tricky after that, so that’s when you hit ’em with bonfire night. BOOM. Give ’em a bit of a show. Plus there’s halloween, bit of fun – init?”

Sir Tom continued with a rolled up cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, “Then we get everyone excited for the run up to Christmas. Plus it helps that everyone gets incredibly pissed for a good month. Distracts them from the fact that it’s getting dark at 4pm. Hahaha. New Year’s Eve of course is a big party and gives everyone the most important idea of all – the illusion of hope!”

“Now January and February can be a bit grim but everyone’s depressed and paying off all the debt they racked up before Christmas – genius! The last thing they are thinking about is emigrating to a place that they might actually enjoy living in – one that’s sunny and warm all year round! Anyway, everyone’s thinking about the couple of week’s holiday that they have coming up in a country with decent weather.”

“Then Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt – job done. Spring is here, a bit of chocolate for Easter, the day starts getting longer and everyone’s happy. And everyone forgets for another year about what a bloody miserable place we all live in.”

NEXT TIME: A TORY GOVERNMENT – YET ANOTHER REASON TO LEAVE BRITAIN

 Saturday September 14, 2013  Posted by at 1:54 pm Britain, Life No Responses »
Sep 102013
 
Tony Blair shouting

To the surprise of not a living soul on God’s green earth, Tony Blair announced his support for military intervention in Syria.

One political commentator said, “It’s got a desert, Muslims live there, it’s a middle east country. No question – Tony Blair thinks we should bomb the extremism out of it.”

Members of the public everywhere reacted without any astonishment whatsoever to the news that Tony Blair is in favour of intervention.

The people of Iraq laughed and cried as they read quotes from Tony Blair at how the 2003 invasion of Iraq was a perfect blue print for Syria. Across Iraq people were shouting “The war criminal is a mad man!” Tony Blair insisted that the situations in Iraq and 2003 and Syria in 2013 are the same despite this in no way being the case.

At least one junior journalist in every media outlet was given the assignment of getting a quote confirming the absolute certainty that was Tony Blair supporting the dropping of bombs on Syria.

A former cabinet colleague of Tony Blair said, “Tony doesn’t think there is a problem involving a middle east country and/or Muslims that cannot be solved with enough advanced weaponry.”

We phoned Tony Blair’s office for a comment. “Is that Tony…”. “BOMB! NOW! MWAHAHAHA!” Click.

 Tuesday September 10, 2013  Posted by at 3:53 pm Uncategorized No Responses »
Sep 092013
 
A close-up of some beer.

George Bosta, 35 of Newcastle, has given up drinking beer and as a result, has found he has lots of free time on his hands.

George talked to our special correspondent, Johnny Spoons.

George said, “I decided I was wasting my life going to the local boozer every night and getting all beered up – so I said enough! I’m going to start making the most of life – sans beer!”

Where there any other reasons George had given up beer? “Well, two reasons really. My sweat had such a high concentration of beer in it, that it was more beer than sweat and secondly, it was hurting inside.”

Spiritually or physically? “A bit of both but it was mainly that my liver started to wake me up in the middle of the night.”

Just how many nights was George drinking beer? ‘How many nights are there in a week?’ Er, seven? “I meant that rhetorically…” George told us. Before adding, “I meant seven.”

So how has George’s life changed? “Well, I have got a lot more free time. I watch films, drink coffee, read books and stare at the wall thinking about not drinking beer.”

George continued, “I did go to the pub after I stopped drinking beer but I realised it’s the whole beer bit of the pub that’s the most fun compared to say, anything else about the pub.”

Did George feel that there are any downsides to giving up the beer? “Well I suppose I’m a bit bored and I don’t get to drink beer any more.” George added, “Have you got any beer? Can I have it? Now.”

Good luck George! We salute you.

 Monday September 9, 2013  Posted by at 9:21 pm Health No Responses »