Dec 062013

Millions face working for years longer under new government proposals to increase the retirement age beyond the age at which most people die.

George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer said, “In order for Britain to be able to have an affordable pension system, the answer is clear; Work till you die, peasant scum.”

Ministers have defended the move, saying it is simply not possible when life expectancy has risen to afford increased pension costs as well as having low tax-rates for the mega rich. “Something’s gotta give.” Said one minister, “So get back to fucking work!”

When questioned on the effects for those working in rigorous manual occupations, George Osborne said, “Know your place scum!”

A Liberal Democrat spokesperson said, “It’s important that we blame Labour for everything and that we al remember that Nick Clegg really, really likes being Deputy Prime Minister.”

Government sources seemed confident that they would win the argument with the public. “If all else fails, I guess We’ll just blame it on Romanian immigrants.”

 Friday December 6, 2013  Posted by at 2:50 am Britain, Politics No Responses »
Dec 052013

People across Britain have been rejoicing in the news that they still have no chance whatsoever with Tom Daley.

In a day of dramatic events, the official sexuality status of Tom Daley, British diving Olympic-medallist and good-looking chap went from straight to gay to maybe-probably-bi.

We spoke to Maggie Monsoon, 46 of Northampton. “It was just like any other day. As usual, during the night I had dreamed of Tom Daley covered in chip fat but I woke up to a nightmare! He had a boyfriend and was gay! My chance with Tom Daley had gone from almost-nearly-practically-zero to well, zero.”

We asked Maggie what made her such a big fan of Tom Daley, “E’s fit in ‘e! FIT!! FIT!! PHWOAR!! PHWOAR!! PHWOAR!!” She wailed, barely able to control herself.

In a video released on Youtube, Tom Daley revealed how he now had a male partner and was very happy. The news that Daley was gay, rapidly spread all across the land.

As well as being genuinely happy for Tom Daley, lots of gay men now realised their chance of scoring with Dailey had gone from non-existent to almost-non-existent.

Barry from Barnsley told Firenado, “Sure I’m 50, overweight, not very good-looking with no positive features but at least I’ve now got a shot with Tom Daley!”

Maggie however was inconsolable, “I was inconsolable. I couldn’t even eat a pie.”

However there was a happy ending for everyone when people realised that Tom Daley hadn’t used the word gay and he had said that he still fancied girls a bit and so in fact was probably-maybe-could be-bisexual.

Several newspapers and websites devoted extensive press coverage to whether Tom Daley’s sexuality merited extensive press coverage. ‘Do we really need to know?’ One paper asked before telling everybody what we needed to know (or didn’t).

Even straight men took an interest in the story as many momentarily confused Tom Daley with 1980’s British decathlon champion Daley Thompson.

“Daley Thompson’s bisexual?” Said one man. “Oh wait a minute, it’s someone else.”

IN OTHER NEWS>>> Millions try to think of witty puns about diving, swimming and sexuality…

IN OTHER NEWS>>> Tom Daley story gives columnists the chance to show every just how ‘right-on’ they are.

 Thursday December 5, 2013  Posted by at 6:45 am Britain, Sport No Responses »