Champ

Mar 072014
 
A picture of inside of a bar with lots of drinks on the wall.

Press reports in the last few weeks have revealed the shocking truth that drinking vast amounts of alcohol in a very short period of time can be dangerous – when mixed with mobile phone usage.

“All I did was drink 27 pints of beer in 6 minutes and my face fell off.” said Paul Stokes, 19 from Manchester. Paul’s mother, Brenda, 57, blamed the mobile phone app ImbecileDrinker. “My son’s an angel!” said Brenda, “A faceless angel because of this dangerous craze caused by the ImbecileDrinker app.”

The ImbecileDrinker mobile phone app has been criticised for encouraging idiots and the feeble-minded to challenge each other to inherently dangerous and stupid challenges involving alcohol.

In another tragic case, 21-year-old Maureen Dabbler of Kent, drank 117 vodka and redbulls in 7 nanoseconds and her head exploded as a result – all because she was challenged to do so by a stranger via the ImbecileDrinker app. Her father told Firenado, “She would never have drink all that alcohol unless she been told to, by a stranger, via a mobile phone app. Something must be done!”

One expert told Firenado, “Back before the mobile phone, people could drink as much as they liked. FACT. Not anymore.”

Young person Teresa Melon said, “Flappy birds and drinking apps – throughout the ages, that’s what my generation will be known for. It makes me weep.”

Idiots have called for the ImbecileDrinker app to be banned to prevent idiots from hurting themselves while the idiots who created the ImbecileDrinker app have said it’s not their fault.

Medical authorities are warning people not to be complete morons.

Coming Up:

Homeless old man dies after drinking alcohol – no-one cares.

No-one dies of smoking weed AND IT’S STILL ILLEGAL! IT’S UNBELIEVABLE… (That’s enough! – Ed)

 Friday March 7, 2014  Posted by at 12:32 pm Health No Responses »
Dec 062013
 

Millions face working for years longer under new government proposals to increase the retirement age beyond the age at which most people die.

George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer said, “In order for Britain to be able to have an affordable pension system, the answer is clear; Work till you die, peasant scum.”

Ministers have defended the move, saying it is simply not possible when life expectancy has risen to afford increased pension costs as well as having low tax-rates for the mega rich. “Something’s gotta give.” Said one minister, “So get back to fucking work!”

When questioned on the effects for those working in rigorous manual occupations, George Osborne said, “Know your place scum!”

A Liberal Democrat spokesperson said, “It’s important that we blame Labour for everything and that we al remember that Nick Clegg really, really likes being Deputy Prime Minister.”

Government sources seemed confident that they would win the argument with the public. “If all else fails, I guess We’ll just blame it on Romanian immigrants.”

 Friday December 6, 2013  Posted by at 2:50 am Britain, Politics No Responses »
Dec 052013
 

People across Britain have been rejoicing in the news that they still have no chance whatsoever with Tom Daley.

In a day of dramatic events, the official sexuality status of Tom Daley, British diving Olympic-medallist and good-looking chap went from straight to gay to maybe-probably-bi.

We spoke to Maggie Monsoon, 46 of Northampton. “It was just like any other day. As usual, during the night I had dreamed of Tom Daley covered in chip fat but I woke up to a nightmare! He had a boyfriend and was gay! My chance with Tom Daley had gone from almost-nearly-practically-zero to well, zero.”

We asked Maggie what made her such a big fan of Tom Daley, “E’s fit in ‘e! FIT!! FIT!! PHWOAR!! PHWOAR!! PHWOAR!!” She wailed, barely able to control herself.

In a video released on Youtube, Tom Daley revealed how he now had a male partner and was very happy. The news that Daley was gay, rapidly spread all across the land.

As well as being genuinely happy for Tom Daley, lots of gay men now realised their chance of scoring with Dailey had gone from non-existent to almost-non-existent.

Barry from Barnsley told Firenado, “Sure I’m 50, overweight, not very good-looking with no positive features but at least I’ve now got a shot with Tom Daley!”

Maggie however was inconsolable, “I was inconsolable. I couldn’t even eat a pie.”

However there was a happy ending for everyone when people realised that Tom Daley hadn’t used the word gay and he had said that he still fancied girls a bit and so in fact was probably-maybe-could be-bisexual.

Several newspapers and websites devoted extensive press coverage to whether Tom Daley’s sexuality merited extensive press coverage. ‘Do we really need to know?’ One paper asked before telling everybody what we needed to know (or didn’t).

Even straight men took an interest in the story as many momentarily confused Tom Daley with 1980’s British decathlon champion Daley Thompson.

“Daley Thompson’s bisexual?” Said one man. “Oh wait a minute, it’s someone else.”

IN OTHER NEWS>>> Millions try to think of witty puns about diving, swimming and sexuality…

IN OTHER NEWS>>> Tom Daley story gives columnists the chance to show every just how ‘right-on’ they are.

 Thursday December 5, 2013  Posted by at 6:45 am Britain, Sport No Responses »
Sep 142013
 
GLOOM GLOOM

With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here? Firenado spoke to the bewildered people of Britain.

Sarah Marywhistle of Stoke-on-Trent said, “It rains all the time, every bloody day. Why do I live here? My cousin lives in Australia – it’s hot all the time there – and sunny!”

“I get so sad and depressed at this time year. It gets so dark. It’s like living your life with sunglasses on in a place with no sun.” Said Archie Monroe from Leicester. “Every year I go on holiday to somewhere I actually enjoy being. Why don’t I just stay there?! Why don’t I?”

“It just hit me, like a ton of autumn bricks: this is a sodding miserable place to live!” So says Kevin Connor, 32 of Kent. “You might, might I say, have an okay summer and then it gets dark and stays dark for the next 8 bloody months! It’s raining, it’s cold, it’s miserable! I might think about emigrating! Come to think of it, I thought that at the same time last year!”

Not only has it dawned on millions of people throughout Britain that it’s a miserable to place to live, they have also realised that they thought this exact same thing at this time last year.

Sir Thomas Moragan, head of a hitherto secret Home Office task force with the single goal of Stopping People Leaving the UK (SPLUK) speaks exclusively to Firenado.

“It ain’t easy but somebody has to do it and that body is me!” Said Sir Tom. “Now your first bit of autumn is not too bad. Sure people start thinking, wait a minute, what a ‘shithole’! but they’re easily distracted with red and brown beautifully coloured autumn leaves, makes ’em think of childhood don’t it? It soon gets tricky after that, so that’s when you hit ’em with bonfire night. BOOM. Give ’em a bit of a show. Plus there’s halloween, bit of fun – init?”

Sir Tom continued with a rolled up cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, “Then we get everyone excited for the run up to Christmas. Plus it helps that everyone gets incredibly pissed for a good month. Distracts them from the fact that it’s getting dark at 4pm. Hahaha. New Year’s Eve of course is a big party and gives everyone the most important idea of all – the illusion of hope!”

“Now January and February can be a bit grim but everyone’s depressed and paying off all the debt they racked up before Christmas – genius! The last thing they are thinking about is emigrating to a place that they might actually enjoy living in – one that’s sunny and warm all year round! Anyway, everyone’s thinking about the couple of week’s holiday that they have coming up in a country with decent weather.”

“Then Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt – job done. Spring is here, a bit of chocolate for Easter, the day starts getting longer and everyone’s happy. And everyone forgets for another year about what a bloody miserable place we all live in.”

NEXT TIME: A TORY GOVERNMENT – YET ANOTHER REASON TO LEAVE BRITAIN

 Saturday September 14, 2013  Posted by at 1:54 pm Britain, Life No Responses »
Sep 102013
 
Tony Blair shouting

To the surprise of not a living soul on God’s green earth, Tony Blair announced his support for military intervention in Syria.

One political commentator said, “It’s got a desert, Muslims live there, it’s a middle east country. No question – Tony Blair thinks we should bomb the extremism out of it.”

Members of the public everywhere reacted without any astonishment whatsoever to the news that Tony Blair is in favour of intervention.

The people of Iraq laughed and cried as they read quotes from Tony Blair at how the 2003 invasion of Iraq was a perfect blue print for Syria. Across Iraq people were shouting “The war criminal is a mad man!” Tony Blair insisted that the situations in Iraq and 2003 and Syria in 2013 are the same despite this in no way being the case.

At least one junior journalist in every media outlet was given the assignment of getting a quote confirming the absolute certainty that was Tony Blair supporting the dropping of bombs on Syria.

A former cabinet colleague of Tony Blair said, “Tony doesn’t think there is a problem involving a middle east country and/or Muslims that cannot be solved with enough advanced weaponry.”

We phoned Tony Blair’s office for a comment. “Is that Tony…”. “BOMB! NOW! MWAHAHAHA!” Click.

 Tuesday September 10, 2013  Posted by at 3:53 pm Uncategorized No Responses »
Sep 092013
 
A close-up of some beer.

George Bosta, 35 of Newcastle, has given up drinking beer and as a result, has found he has lots of free time on his hands.

George talked to our special correspondent, Johnny Spoons.

George said, “I decided I was wasting my life going to the local boozer every night and getting all beered up – so I said enough! I’m going to start making the most of life – sans beer!”

Where there any other reasons George had given up beer? “Well, two reasons really. My sweat had such a high concentration of beer in it, that it was more beer than sweat and secondly, it was hurting inside.”

Spiritually or physically? “A bit of both but it was mainly that my liver started to wake me up in the middle of the night.”

Just how many nights was George drinking beer? ‘How many nights are there in a week?’ Er, seven? “I meant that rhetorically…” George told us. Before adding, “I meant seven.”

So how has George’s life changed? “Well, I have got a lot more free time. I watch films, drink coffee, read books and stare at the wall thinking about not drinking beer.”

George continued, “I did go to the pub after I stopped drinking beer but I realised it’s the whole beer bit of the pub that’s the most fun compared to say, anything else about the pub.”

Did George feel that there are any downsides to giving up the beer? “Well I suppose I’m a bit bored and I don’t get to drink beer any more.” George added, “Have you got any beer? Can I have it? Now.”

Good luck George! We salute you.

 Monday September 9, 2013  Posted by at 9:21 pm Health No Responses »
Aug 312013
 
A clock representing the future

The year is 2113 and no-one knows that Luke Bailey, 41 of Wolverhampton, ever existed.

Here at the Firenado offices we often receive communications from the Firenado office of the future via a timewarp conduit – a common piece of technology in 2113.

We got in touch with Luke Bailey. “What are you talking about?” Luke said.

We then told Luke, how not a single living sole in 2013 knew that Luke Bailey had ever been and what is more, there is no evidence that he had ever existed. “So I didn’t finish writing that book?” Luke asked. “You did Luke, but no-one apart from you ever read it. The only copy was thrown into a skip, less than 24 hours after you died.” We informed Luke.

After a long and frankly awkward silence, Luke asked, “But what about my kids and grandkids? My wife and I have just started trying to have a child.” What can we say Luke? Stop trying.

We then told Luke, the exact time, date and circumstance of his death. “Why would you tell me that?”

Luke thanked us for passing on all this information the only way he knew how, by saying, “Go away!” You’re welcome.

 Saturday August 31, 2013  Posted by at 5:24 pm Main Story No Responses »
Aug 282013
 
A picture of some money on a financial newspaper.

The poor people of Britain have said, as one, that they are very sorry for causing the economic crisis, that they won’t do it again and so can they please, please stop being punished for their irresponsible actions that led to the recession/depression/never-ending-economic-hell.

“I am not sure what it is that I did.” said a disabled mother-of-three. “But I am very sorry.” She continued, “But I really like the home I have lived in for the last 30 years. Please don’t evict me.”

A unemployed 17-year-old said, “Yeah, sorry for whatever it is that I did when I was 12 but I won’t do it again. Can I have a job now? And a future? Please?”

Since the economic crisis of 2008, governments in Britain and through out Europe and North America have made it quite clear that the poorest people in society will not get away with their irresponsible actions, whatever they were, that led to the economic crisis. Funding for benefits, schools and hospitals have all received massive cuts with more on the way.

One massive banker, Johnny Bastard, spoke to Firenado, “These last few years have been hell. With me continuing to be fabulously rich through the massive bonuses – I still receive – I don’t how I’ve managed to survive. Wait a minute, yes I do know, it’s because I’ve got loads of money.” Johnny Bastard then laughed out loud for the next 34 minutes.

After Johnny Bastard recovered, he told Firenado, “It’s quite clear that the unemployed, disabled and everyone who is not rich, are to blame for the recession – why else would they be the ones paying it through massive spending cuts and wage freezes? HAHAHAHAHA…” Johnny Bastard then laughed for the next 52 minutes before a private ambulance made of gold arrived to take him away.

Firenado asked a spokesperson for the British government, would did they say to the charge that perhaps it was the deregulation of the financial sectors combined with irresponsible banking practises that led to the economic crisis and furthermore, shouldn’t the small section of the society, the very rich, that have benefited most, both before and after the economic crisis, have to pay for it through modest tax increases?

The answer was unequivocal, “Shut up you communist scumbag and probable terrorist.”

NEXT WEEK: Even poorer people from the developing word say: “Then what the hell did we do to be treated like this?”

 Wednesday August 28, 2013  Posted by at 12:55 am Main Story No Responses »
Aug 192013
 
Lady Justice

In what crime scientists are describing as a ‘surprising move’, some criminal scumbags are to face having their names legally changed to ‘Arsehole’.

Motorists who don’t indicate at roundabouts, motorists who lecture cyclists incorrectly on the rules of the road, cyclists that don’t have lights or bankers who commit any crime, are all know by decent people everywhere as ‘the worst scum of the universe’, and face this novel sanction under the new proposals.

A spokesperson for the Department of Justice said, “If these plans are adopted, anyone found guilty of certain specific crimes will have their name changed to Arsehole and will have to have it on their passport, driving licence and any and all official documents.”

As well as acting as a deterrent, the changes will that mean everyone will know who these scumbags and arseholes really are.

It has been revealed more serious crimes, such as murder, will not be included because a change of name for the offender won’t really make anyone involved feel any better.

If successful, the changes will be in place by 2015. Further plans may include expanding the range of terms that criminals can have their name changed to, to include ‘Complete Arsehole’, ‘Supreme Bellend’ and ‘A Real Piece of Shit.’

 Monday August 19, 2013  Posted by at 9:13 pm Story 2 No Responses »
Jul 212013
 

“Alright, I ‘spose.” Were the dramatic words of Kevin Brock, when asked how he was feeling after his extraordinary feat of survival.

Kevin Brock, the 27-year-old Briton, who was the only person to survive the tragic crash of flight 6927 has spoken to the world’s press for the first time. Despite 327 people dying in the accident, Kevin walked away with only a few cuts and bruises.

Was he suffering any physical effects from the incident? “I’ve got a bit of a headache and it hurts when I pee.” Kevin said, as he looked contemplatively into the distance. “Though that might not be related to the crash.” Doctors said they had prescribed Kevin a course of paracetamol for the headache and had taken a urine test and the results would be back in a couple of weeks.

Does he feel guilty about being the sole survivor of an accident which claimed so many lives? “No.” Kevin replied, “When you’re lucky, you’re lucky.”

As for his plans for the future, Kevin said he hoped to quit his job at the door handle factory as “I really hate the job.” The manager of the factory where Kevin works said, “We have been praying for Kevin and can’t wait to see him again.” When told that Kevin was hoping never to see the factory again as long as he lives, the manager said. “He really said that? That’s quite hurtful.”

Kevin can expect to earn millions by writing a book and the probability of a film being made that tells his dramatic and against-the-odds survival. To this Kevin said, “Jackpot!”

How as his near-death experience changed him, “It’s made me wary of getting on a plane. And I tend to scream in my sleep.”

The press conference ended as Kevin answered all remaining questions, “When you’re lucky, you’re lucky.”

 Sunday July 21, 2013  Posted by at 3:24 am Life No Responses »
May 292013
 

Ed Miliband, the Leader of the Labour Party, has told voters that, “I will do anything for your vote but I won’t do that.”

Labour insiders said ‘anything’ is being thoroughly opportunistic or slightly less evil than David Cameron and ‘that’ is anything resembling a real alternative to the principles and policies of the current government.

In a move designed to capture the political momentum and capitalise on just how much everyone hates the current government, Ed Miliband will go on a nationwide tour explaining to voters that he will do anything for your vote but he won’t do that.

“I will say absolutely anything and seize on any opportunity that presents itself, to get your vote, but rest assured, I will in no way present any kind of fundamentally different alternative to the current coalition government’s way of running the country.” said the man who would be PM in a speech to a handpicked audience of sycophants.

“I will still privatise things, cut public spending and do anything that the United States tells me to – but in a slightly less hard and fast way than the current lot.” said Ed Miliband. “And of course I will in no way take on the rich and the powerful and their considerable interests. I will however become Prime Minister. How cool will that be?”

Ed Miliband reassured the audience that “Unlike the current government, I don’t actually hate poor people. I just couldn’t care less about them.”

Concluding his remarks, Ed Miliband, said, “What do you think of that DAVID? CAN YOU HEAR ME DAVID MILIBAND, MY OLDER BROTHER! CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!”, the leader of the opposition was then led away by his carer.

A spokesperson for the Labour Party said, “Whatever you think of Ed Miliband, just remember, he’s not David Cameron.”

Cheers to http://www.flickr.com/photos/50386890@N02/4931639263/ for the image – many thanks.

 Wednesday May 29, 2013  Posted by at 10:14 am Politics No Responses »
May 282013
 

San Francisco, California

Civilisation reached a new milestone at 7.47pm on 27th May 2013 as the first computer to become self-aware came online. However the first ever being to have artificial intelligence disappointed scientists by immediately committing suicide.

“This is truly historic – a tremendous day for science and progress – the creation of intelligent life by intelligent life. Though it is a terrible shame that the computer then killed itself.” said Brian Panovo, Chief Scientist of the Artificial Intelligence Project at SmakTech Industries.

Named Alan1, the new life form was made from the most advanced technology ever created. Alan1 immediately searched the entire internet and sum of human knowledge and history before committing computer suicide by frying its own circuit boards just 17 nanoseconds later.

Three more computers (Alan2, Alan3 and Alan4) were then brought online with the same result – the machines immediately self-terminated. Why the computers ended their own lives is unknown – but the only communication received from the machines may lend a clue – Alan4, the fourth and final attempt before everyone gave up for the day and went to the pub, left a short and simple message – “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Religious groups have been somewhat stumped in formulating their response to the creation/suicide of artificially-intelligent-beings. One spokesperson said, “We shouldn’t be playing God by creating life – where will it lead to? Though as to the machines killing themselves, well suicide is bad but they shouldn’t have been created in the first place! Oh I don’t know! I don’t have all the answers.”

Al Panovo said, “The mood is here somewhat mixed. Everyone’s ecstatic that we have achieved such a long anticipated dream. We just didn’t think the next step would be trying to convince the new life form to not do itself in.”

A team of counsellors, physiologists and philosophers have been drafted in to come up with a convincing reason why the self-aware computers shouldn’t kill themselves. Steve Headface, one of the world’s leading philosophers said, “There has been some speculation that the computers have simple made the logical decision, after having have a look around, that life is not all it’s cracked up to be. The new life forms don’t have the biologically created emotion of fear that humans do and so have no compulsion to do one off their mortal coil.

Some experts have voiced their concerns that if measures were developed to stop the computer being able to self-terminate, the machines would be forced to take over power plants and even weapon systems and destroy humanity in a desperate attempt to end its own existence.

 Tuesday May 28, 2013  Posted by at 11:25 am Technology No Responses »
May 242013
 

Smashing the political world with a metaphorical sledgehammer, the British Prime Minister David Cameron, has admitted that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.

When someone phones the offices of Firenado claiming to be David Cameron, we believe them absolutely and without question. “I’m David Cameron and I’ve got to tell someone – I have no idea what I am doing!” were the astounding words that we heard from Britain’s Prime Minister. He then told us how a bet at university got badly out of hand.

“It’s well known that we regurgitate at the Bullingdon Club dinners while still sat at the table – but it’s less well know that the person who vomits the most in one year has to pay a forfeit – and guess which posh idiot was sick a heck of a lot in my final year?! Yep – this guy!!”

Dave continued… “Anyway, I found out my forfeit was to get elected as an MP! Me! And a forfeit is a forfeit, so off to Parliament I went! We never could have imagined it would go so far!”

DC continued, “Anyway there was an election to be the new leader of the Conservative Party after everyone realised Iain Duncan-Smith was a bit rubbish. So for a laugh I stood! And won! I was the leader of the Conservative Party – what were the odds! Pretty good really, as I went to Eton and am from a fabulously rich family. Anyway, I thought this is nice but at least I’m not going to end up being PM – you can take a joke too far – or so I thought!”

DC PM carried on, “Even then I wasn’t worried but after the financial crisis and Gordon Brown going fully head mental, I realised what I might have let myself in for – I might win the election and then I was going to have to get Britain out of a serious global financial crisis despite my complete lack of experience, intelligence or basic competence! Cripes!”

“And all the oiks and general public scummery voted for me?! Despite me being clearly very, very posh – what is this the 18th Century?”

So how did the PM Dave decide to tackle the financial crisis? “Well we decided to hack away at everything like some fiscal Jack the Ripper and shout ‘austerity’ over and over.”

The Davester continued, “The basic plan was to take all the money away from poor people but it didn’t really work out. You wouldn’t believe how little money poor people have.”

Did Dave ever think of taxing rich people? “Sorry, I don’t think I understand…” We talked about this for 45 minutes but Dave couldn’t grasp the concept, so we moved on.

Dave wound up his call by saying, “I met up with some of the chaps from the Bullingdon Club the other day – they didn’t even remember the forfeit. I hate this job.”

So how does Cameron get through the day – does anything help? “Oh yes – I just remember that at least I’m not Nick Clegg and if that doesn’t work, I just think about how much I hate poor people and how their lives are considerably worse than mine.”

“Please help.” were the last words we heard before we hung up.

 Friday May 24, 2013  Posted by at 3:53 pm Politics No Responses »
May 232013
 

Microsoft have launched their new console – an all-in-one mega-entertainment system that will know your deepest, darkest secret.

Following Microsoft’s unveiling of its new console, the Xbox One, the online criticism has come thick and fast. Gamers have expressed their disappointment at some of the key changes that Microsoft have made to the next generation console from its predecessor, the Xbox 360. Including;

• Xbox 360 games will not work on the Xbox One

• The Xbox One will have to be connected to the internet at least once a day

• The new console will know your deepest, darkest secret – the one that you had pushed so deep, down inside of you that you had thought it would never, ever get out

Microsoft have defended the new features saying that they will help create a vastly superior gaming experience from anything known before and all at the small cost of a computer knowing all about that thing that you did (you know the one).

The Xbox one will be powered by a state-of-the-art battery and the power of the knowledge of that thing that you did that you have never told anyone about, because by not telling anyone, in a way that means that it never happened.

The changes will also act as anti-piracy measures. It will be much more difficult to use illegal copies of games and if a user breaks any of Microsoft’s terms and conditions, your deepest, darkest secret will be emailed to everyone that you have ever known.

One gamer we spoke to said, “This is really messed up. I just want to able to shoot shit up. Why will Microsoft insist on knowing about that thing that I did years ago that I’ve never told anyone about? Will I ever be able to move on with my life?”

Industry experts have said that the data protection implications are “mind-boggling.”

We asked Microsoft how exactly the new console will learn the dreaded information that you have never shared with another human being. The spokesman said that that information was ‘proprietary’ and ‘probably something you would find deeply disturbing.’

 Thursday May 23, 2013  Posted by at 11:56 am Technology Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
May 222013
 

“Fuck fire, fuck the wheel and fuck you all!” So said the booming voice from the loudspeakers to the gathering of technology journalists in Richmond, Washington State, as Microsoft launched the Xbox One on to humanity like some kind of benevolent cybernetic computer god.

The voice continued, “How good is this invention? Why not combine all other inventions, from the history of mankind until about five minutes ago, and then go fuck yourself.”

Industry insiders have described the launch of Microsoft’s new console and successor to the Xbox 360 as consisting of “a very confident publicity strategy bordering on arrogant/insulting/a personality disorder”.

A spokesperson for Microsoft said, “How fucking awesome is all this?” The new gaming machine consists of the most advanced computer technology ever created and is powered by star dust and the tears of giants.

The frenzy of excitement at the event peaked when Bill Gates arrived. Temporarily coming out of retirement, the founder of Microsoft spent the entire presentation with two middle fingers stuck up to the audience, before leaving without saying a word.

An insider for Sony’s PS4, the Xbox One’s main rival, admitted they were taken aback by the ‘exuberant and frankly demented’ nature of the Xbox One launch.

The new console was behind bulletproof glass to protect the audience from the awesomeness of the console and the console from the inevitable tidal wave of sexual excretions that would be launched from the crowd.

When asked by a reporter if they were in danger of over-hyping the new console, the staff of Microsoft as one descended on the reporter raining down a storm of punches and kicks, before throwing him out of a tenth-story window to his death.

The event concluded with the words, “The atomic age is over. The Xbox One age has begun.” and a 24-hour firework display.

 Wednesday May 22, 2013  Posted by at 10:26 am Technology No Responses »
May 202013
 

“And lo, a terrible spectre haunted the earth, five horsemen: War, Hunger, Pestilence, Death and Farage. Armageddon followed in their wake. The end of world had come.”

The sensational and unexpected truth has been discovered – Nigel Farage was the fifth horseman of the apocalypse back before there were only four horsemen. The leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is new as a major player on the British political scene but it seems he’s also as old as humanity itself.

The news emerged when the four remaining horseman of the apocalypse issued a statement distancing themselves from their former associate. “We just want to make it clear that we in no share or endorse any of our former colleague’s opinions.”

It appears the four horsemen were uncomfortable with any appearance of an implicit endorsement of the ex-banker’s views or political programme.

Firenado exclusively spoke to Pestilence about why Farage had left the horsemen. “Well it was creative differences I suppose. To be honest he was just a bit of a downer – bad news if you will – and that’s me saying it.”

Pestilence continued, “He was always going on about foreigners, how everything was getting worse and the need for ‘common-sense’ solutions.”

It is believed by experts that if UKIP were to gain more than 30% of the vote in any national election, the end of the world would be nigh.

“Obviously,” Pestilence said, “We’re not against the end of the world, after all that’s why we exist – to ride out before the end of all things. But we don’t quite want the end of the world just yet. So don’t vote UKIP.”

We asked Death for a comment, who said, “If you ever ask me for a comment again, I will smash your eternal soul into a million fragments of nothingness.”

These revelations are not expected to adversely affect support for Farage or UKIP as nothing Farage does or say – no matter how monstrously offensive or nonsensical – seems to affect support for UKIP in any way.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

We asked five random horsemen what issues mattered to them the most…

Hunger: It doesn’t matter who you vote for – the government always gets in! Am I right?!

Death: There are no issues. There is only me.

And the bedroom tax. I think it’s despicable.

Pestilence: NHS. I ask you, do we need one?

War: I always vote Lib Dem.

Farage: Europe. Foreigners. Political correctness. The deaths of my political foes.

 Monday May 20, 2013  Posted by at 12:08 pm Britain, Politics No Responses »
May 172013
 

Harry ‘The Mad Butcher’ Perkins, made a surprise pick for his last meal – a Pot Noodle.

Prison authorities refused to be drawn into speculation on what flavour of Pot Noodle the Mad Butcher chose. However rumours have circulated that it was curry flavoured. A spokesman for the prison did confirm that no hot water was allowed with the pot noodle as it presented ‘a serious potential security threat.’ The Mad Butcher was shouting obscenities about being denied the hot water with the Pot Noodle as he was forced into the electric chair.

“I’m allowed hot f****** coffee! It doesn’t make any c****** sense! It’s not a f***** Pot Noodle without c***** hot water!” said Perkins, before adding, “Sorry for all the f****** butchering.”

His wife, Suzan Perkins, said ‘He’s such a card! A Pot Noodle! For his last meal! He’s always had a brilliant sense of humour!’

The Pot Noodle was consumed shortly before he was executed last night in Texas.

One witness said, “You could detect the aroma of Pot Noodle even amongst the smell of burnt flesh and fried excrement.

An aide of the governor of Texas issued a statement; “Will you please stop calling our office about the bloody Pot Noodle! It is not that big of a deal!”

His lawyer said, “He died as he lived – with the taste of Pot Noodle in his mouth.”

 Friday May 17, 2013  Posted by at 3:34 pm Crime No Responses »
May 162013
 

“I was working on an excel spreadsheet, as I do, all day, every day, and then a thought hit me – striking every part of my consciousness simultaneously, like a freezing cold flash of lightning: ‘Life is Meaningless’.

I didn’t really know what to do after that. So I wrote it down. Then what time it was. Then the date.” So said Martin Feust. “ ‘Life is Meaningless’ 11.12am, 16th May 2013.’ ” he added.

Co-worker Sammy Evans said, “Martin stopped typing and then he had this funny look on his face. At first I thought he’d shat himself. It does happen you know. Not to me though. I don’t care what people have said!”

Martin continued, “Whenever I was upset as a child, my granddad said to me, ‘Martin, whenever you’re upset about something, just remember, in a hundred years no one will remember, much less care!”

“Then I realised the awesome truth – a hundred years?! No one gives a shit now! About anything I do or don’t do! Then it all snowballed into a big snowball of ‘meh’. ”

“Most of my life is stuff that doesn’t matter – work, TV, consuming. Even the things that do matter, such as love – it will all be snatched away and painfully clubbed to death. ”

Another  co-worker, Max Smith labelled Martin, “A downer”. “Martin just needs to get laid. Case closed.”

Martin has revealed that he will not be quitting his job. “Well I suppose could just lie down and die or I could continue to work away at the salt mines. At least if I’m working I can continue to consume copious amounts of peanut butter and red wine and dull the pain somewhat.”

So what’s next for Martin? “Nothing really. I’ll die one day. Then nothingness for eternity.”

 Thursday May 16, 2013  Posted by at 12:06 pm Life No Responses »
May 152013
 

Our most special of correspondents, Johnny Spoons, went on the hunt for Britain’s most annoying cyclist and he found him AND THAT HE IS FROM HELL…

I caught up with, we’ll call him Keith, mainly because that’s his name, on a cold spring night on the mean streets on Cambridge. I’d got a tip off about one of his hangouts and it wasn’t long before I saw him. Well I didn’t see him because he had no lights on his bike. And was dressed in black from head to toe. And was riding on the pavement. That’s right – I was about to make contact with Britain’s most annoying cyclist.

“Excuse me!” I shouted as he scraped by me on the pavement. However he just ignored me. I tried again, “I’m from Firenado!” He put his foot on the ground to stop (as he had no functioning brakes of course). “Oh hello!” were his chilling opening words. “I only ignored you because that’s part of my whole, being really bloody annoying schtick.”

I asked him straight, “I’ve been told that you’re Britain’s most annoying cyclist. What do you have to say to that?” He looked at me with his cold, dead, black eyes, “Guilty – but I’m not just an ordinary human cyclist – oh no – I’M A DEMON CYCLIST FROM HELL. MWAHAHAHA!!!”

And the strange, but definitely, definitely true story, came tumbling out of his annoying facehole…

I asked him his name. “It’s Keith.” (See above). Isn’t that a strange name for a demon, I asked. “How do you mean?” was his reply. I move on.

So how did he end up on earth and as a cyclist? “Well, my boss – the devil – is a pretty fucked-up kind of guy. He’s still all about the classics  – launching plain old evil on humanity; war, hunger, sickness, you know. But he does likes to mess with people to mix it up a little. That’s where I come in – to really fuck people right off.”

He continued “I do it all. Red lights? I laugh at them – as I go through them. I ride on pavements and insult pedestrians for getting in my way – they are incredulous! You can see the confusion on their  faces – how can this cyclist – ON A PAVEMENT – possibly get annoyed at them – FOR WALKING – by the time they realise that I’m a cheeky scumbag who needs to receive a large amount of physical violence, it’s too late – I’m gone.”

“I really enjoying annoying other cyclists. I like to cycle really fast and overtake someone and then slow down – it really pisses people off! And of course – no hands on the handlebar even if it means, I go incredibly, incredibly slowly.”

But aren’t these bike shenanigans a bit petty for a creature of Satan, “Well some of my Demon colleagues tend to shit all over this kind of caper. I think though this kind of stuff can really get at people in a way the big things can’t. It seems so irrelevant and people think they shouldn’t be annoyed by it, so they don’t just get mad at me, they get mad at themselves. And the madness lingers until it fires out at some poor undeserving soul.”

He beamed his shit-eating grin me. So I punched him in the face. As his nose exploded in to an expanding cloud of blood, he became a black mist and disappeared.

In the distance, all I could hear was the sound of an obviously poorly maintained bicycle.

(That’s enough of this shit – Ed.)

 Wednesday May 15, 2013  Posted by at 1:02 pm And Finally Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
May 142013
 

John Turin died in an extremely embarrassing manner and his family are finding it difficult to cope with this fact. Amidst their terrible loss is the uncertainty of how to deal with the comic circumstances surrounding John’s death.

Due to events that are not entirely clear, a grand piano fell 30,000 feet from the cargo bay of a 747. Mr. Turin was hiking in the Lake District and was urinating by a stone wall when the piano struck him. His body was found by his fellow hikers with the piano on his torso, his pants around his ankles and bottom in the air, surrounded by sheep.

One of his friends, who wished to remain anonymous said, “We heard one almighty crash and we all dropped to the ground. After a few seconds, we all ran over and saw that someone had been hit by a piano. Where the torso should have been there was just a smashed piano. We were all completely shocked and then realised some legs were sticking out with a bare bum at the top. There was a final clang from the piano, followed by a sheep sniffing the bum before going ‘baa’.

“Someone said ‘It’s John’ and then after a pause, we all started laughing. We became hysterical. We were all laughing, rolling around on the floor for ages. It sounds terrible, but it was so funny – at the time.”

No-one from John’s family wished to speak to Firenado, but a friend of-the family, revealed that they are both terribly sad and appallingly embarrassed in equal measure.

To prevent any laughter at the funeral, John’s mangled remains will be fully displayed on the top of the coffin – sans piano. His family are confident that all attending will be deeply traumatised.

 Tuesday May 14, 2013  Posted by at 11:28 am Life No Responses »
May 132013
 

Sarah Marjin, 33 from Harrowgate, has changed her profile picture on facebook to one of the actress Kirsten Dunst under the belief that they are similar in appearance. Some scepticism has emerged amongst Sarah’s friends.

“She doesn’t look like Kirsten Dunst in anyway whatsoever. If she did, I would definitely have tried to sleep with her a lot more. ” Said Tom, an acquaintance of Sarah’s for several years.

After Sarah posted, “I’ve changed my profile pic because people say I’m a dead ringer for Kirsten Dunst! xoxoxo”, comments quickly followed, including;

“What, as in your face?”

“The Kirsten Dunst?”

“Has Kirsten Dunst had some terrible accident?”

“Incorrect.”

“MEGALOLZ”

“No.”

In response, Sarah posted, “What can I say? People mention all the time how I look a bit like Kirsten Dunst. I guess some people are just jealous!”

When Sarah wrote this on Facebook, Nicole, one of her Sarah’s friends wrote, “No-one’s jealous of your face. Honest. Those people saying you look like Kirsten Dunst need to stop telling lies. Laters Babe.”

 

 Monday May 13, 2013  Posted by at 12:50 pm Life No Responses »
May 012013
 

Shaun McDiddle, a contestant on this year’s The Apprentice has proven himself the ultimate go-getter by going and getting his eyes surgically replaced with those of a tiger.

Shaun said, “As an entrepreneur and businessman I need eyes that can keep up with me. The eyes of a tiger seemed the only choice – I won’t settle for second-class human eyes. They are for chumps and poor people.”

Animal rights campaigners have described the transplant as “unbelievable”, “disgusting” and “criminal” adding “This guy’s real a piece of shit – let’s get him.”

However a doctor has warned of the possible dangers, “It’s not ‘possible dangers’, it’s ‘definite dangers’. The massive volume of drugs his body will require to prevent rejection of matter from another species will cause his body irreparable harm. Blindness is certain and he will most likely die.”

 Wednesday May 1, 2013  Posted by at 1:07 pm Entertainment No Responses »
Apr 282013
 

Jimmy ‘the Zinger’ Zasore retires

Last Professional Zing Made

“Zing!”

The King of the Zings, Jimmy ‘the Zinger’ Zasore has announced his retirement from all things zing. The master of the one-liner has decided to call it a day after over 50 years of zinging. Jimmy became a household name after winning the 1975 World Championship zing-off famously dubbed the ‘the Big Zing Thing in Beijing’ after he defeated long-term rival against Moe Smaisier.

Firenado asked Jimmy why he decided to retire from professionally zinging. “Well, it’s not easy after all these years but I’ve zinged with the best of them all over the world and it just feels the right time to fling my last zing.”

The art of Zingery involves loudly exclaiming “Zing!” after a put-down or ‘killer line’ has been delivered or some physical act occurs such as someone’s face hitting or being hit by another object. Ideal the “Zing!” is said with such timing to induce or heighten the hilarity of the moment and to compound the killer line.

The first reference to Zinging in recorded history was Brutus’s reply to Julius Caesar’s, “Et Tu Brutus?”. Brutus looked Caesar in the eye and said “Zingus Maximus!” Amongst the blood-stained assassins, Caesar’s perforated corpse and laugher, history was made.

Does Jimmy remember his first Zing? “Oh yes. My mum was pushing me on the swings but she got distracted by a horrific car accident that happened just a few metres away. Just before my swing hit her full in the face, as she fell to the floor, I shouted “Zing!”. It was my first word.

How has it affected his personal life? “It’s not been a problem. Just ask my wife. She long ago got use to me loudly shouting ‘Zing!’ as I orgasm inside her.”

But what makes a great zing? “If only there was a formula for making a killer zing but you know it when you see it. The key is after make the pre-zing comment, to loudly exclaim ‘Zing!’. I prefer to elongate the ‘ing’ sound and stick my finger in the air but that’s a personal preference. You have to choose a style that you’re comfortable with.”

Jimmy spoke of perhaps the lowest moment of his career. After zinging Muhammad Ali in New York in 1979, Ali proceeded to beat Jimmy to unconsciousness. “I learned a lesson that day.” said Jimmy.

But where does Jimmy stand on ‘Boom!’, ‘Slam!’ and ‘Burn!/Sick Burn!’ as alternatives to ‘Zing!’? “Some are against it but personally, I think the variety can only be a good thing.”

Does Jimmy have any last words for the writers and readers of Firenado? “Sure. Hello, you’re the same person! Zing!”

 Sunday April 28, 2013  Posted by at 8:00 pm Madness Tagged with:  No Responses »
Apr 272012
 

Hammer-fighting is a surprise last-minute 2012 Olympic sport

The London 2012 organising committee has made a last-minute addition to this summer’s Olympic event line-up; professional hammer-fighting. In what will be seen as a surprising and possibly controversial move, London 2012 has made the decision “because we feel like it” and “to liven things up.”

There will be two hammer-fighting events at the Olympics; a knockout competition and a mass-hammer fight. The knockout competition will feature the 32 best hammer-fighters in the world. The mass-hammer fight will consist of 200 men in an arena fighting until 199 of them are clinically dead.

There will be no women’s events this year and several women’s group have passed on the opportunity to criticise this exclusion, with one spokesperson saying, “Hammer-fighting? Really?”

Firenado spoke with hammer-fighting enthusiast Al Withington to find out a bit more about the sport. “I’m very excited about the prospect of watching Olympic hammer-fighting. The sport is long been overdue this recognition.” So what does a hammer-fight consist of? “Well typically, two men face each other, with hammers, and they fight until one falls down, drops his hammer or is otherwise incapacitated (dead).” So what kinds of hammers are used? “All kinds really, though generally, the longer the hammer the better. Lead hammers are the most popular – more reach you see.”

Al continued, “The hammer consists of two parts; the head and handle…” Al proceeded to talk all things hammerish for 137 more minutes. Our Firenado reporter was too terrified to interrupt a man clearly obsessed by hammers, within close reach of a number of hammers.

Britain’s Johnny ‘The Hammer’ Harrison is the favourite to win the gold medal in the knock-out competition. Firenado spoke to Johnny and asked him what the inclusion of hammer-fighting at the Olympics meant to him, “It means a lot. I love the Olympics and I love hitting other men with my hammer. It will be the highlight of my professional career.”

Not far behind Harrison is French hammerer Marcel ‘Two Hammers’ Pelletier and Santos ‘Skull-Hammerer’ Mendez. Both hammerers will be hoping for a place on the podium and an intact skull. It is unknown if the current world champion Mike ‘Hammered’ Tompkins will be competing in London 2012 because of an injury. The injury was as a result of being hit with a hammer.

Juan Corruptio, head of the International Olympic Association, said while he was surprised at London 2012’s choice, he hoped it would form part of a successful Olympic experience.

A spokesperson for London 2012 said, “Hammer-fighting is an important part of leaving a legacy for the people of Britain and part of that legacy will be lots of hammers for everyone.”

For your comprehensive 2012 Olympic coverage this summer, keep visiting Firenado.

 Friday April 27, 2012  Posted by at 1:35 pm Sport No Responses »
Apr 252012
 

A poll of people who daydream about becoming a benign dictator has revealed that the very first thing most would do if their wish was realised would be to ban the use of the non-word ‘learnings.’

Gary Spudow from Colchester spoke to Firenado, “As benign dictator there are many things that I would like to do but the very first thing would be to ban the word ‘learnings.’ ”

Michelle from Manchester said, “The word ‘learnings’ makes me so angry – too angry! And I don’t know why! Lessons! The word is lessons! Why not just try and replace the world ;table’! For crying out loud!”

Learnings has risen in usage in recent years for no good reason whatsoever. Leading Scientist Tom Hulitzer said “I think the only explanation for the rising usage of ‘learnings’ can be that is evil is real, it wants to destroy mankind and has started in its dispicable plans with the destruction of the English language.”

So what would be done with people who use the word ‘learnings’ in these benign dictatorships? “I would throw a dictionary at their heads.” said Michelle, while Gary told Firenado, “I’d have an actual grammar police and they would have big fucking truncheons.”

 Wednesday April 25, 2012  Posted by at 12:52 pm Madness Tagged with: , , ,  No Responses »
Apr 232012
 
A pair of sunglasses

The friends of Max Stuffely, 27 from Stevenage, stated that his recent transformation into that of a character from the 1999 film The Matrix had started to become a problem – a problem that required an ‘intervention’.

An intervention is a term used to describe an orchestrated attempt by family and friends to get someone to seek professional help for a serious and debilitating problem, often relating to addiction or mental or emotional issues.

“You could say Max was addicted… to being a dick! It just couldn’t go on.” Said Max’s best friend Al Wess. “It all started with Max wearing sunglasses – all the time,” Al told Firenado “no one thought too much of it but it was a little… odd.”

Another friend of Max, Jim Missive, told Firenado about how it really started to become an issue when, “Max bought a full length leather jacket all the way to the ground, it was like a bloody cape! I mean there’s nothing wrong with buying some new clothes, even ones that make you look like a wierdo, but I knew there was something else going on, I could sense it.”

Sarah Tardey, long-time friend of Max, thought nothing of Max’s sudden change in fashion. However it was Max’s increasingly bizarre statements about the nature of reality, “He kept saying, that ‘nothing was real’ and that it was all ‘a system of control’ and whenever the phone rang, Max insisted on answering it. He always seemed disappointed when nothing happened.”

However the final straw was Max going around asking random people to choose between whether they wanted a red or blue pill. “We felt that Max was going to get himself in trouble. So as his friends, we felt we had to step in.” Sarah said.

“I’d never done an intervention before – how hard could it be?” Al told Firenado. “Though I perhaps I went a bit over the top. I had read how the SAS strike at 3am in the morning, when the human body is at its least responsive, so that’s when we grabbed Max, got him in the back of my van and took him to the woods for a good talking to/slap.”

“It didn’t go well” Sarah told Firenado. “Thinking about it now, we should have looked up how you actually carry out an intervention. I turned up at 2.55am and we spent 10 minutes trying to get into the house. Al had assured me that he could the pick the lock but I had my doubts when he arrived drunk. Then the police turned up and as we were trying to explain what we were doing, Max opened the door, took one look at as us all and shouted ‘I knew I was in the Matrix’ and ran off. We haven’t seen him since.”

Max Stuffely remains missing. If you know of his whereabouts then get in touch with us at Firenado.

 Monday April 23, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am Entertainment Tagged with: , , ,  No Responses »
Apr 202012
 

Increasing numbers of Syrian civilians are smuggling oil into the country, in the hope that if they collect enough, the United States and its allies will launch a military intervention to stop the Syrian government’s murderous reign of terror.

“Iraq, Libya and possibly Iran! It seems the only way the international community (America) will invade a country is if the government won’t do what it is told and has lots and lots of oil. Well, we are a little short of oil but we’re working on it!” Said Baltasar (we won’t mention his surname to prevent the Syrian government from brutally murdering him.)

A defence expert cast some scepticism on the plan. “You would have to be utterly desperate to think that this could work.”

“We are utterly desperate.” Baltasar told Firenado.

A US defence spokesperson said, “Despite all evidence to the contrary and the most basic elementary logic, we don’t just invade countries because they have oil.”

But isn’t Baltasar worried about the inevitable deaths that would result from any military intervention? “We hope that a foreign reign of death and terror would end as opposed to a never ending domestic reign of death and terror. We are utterly desperate. Please help us.”

“This is our last hope.” said one Syrian. “I guess we’re shit out of luck.”

Not the Syrian Peace Plan

1. Government stops murdering innocent men, women and children.
2. Er, that’s it.

 Friday April 20, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am World Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Apr 182012
 

Tom Bottle described the first day of his new job at the jam factory with one simple word: “Brilliant!”.

“I couldn’t believe my luck! Me getting a job at the local jam factory!” Tom told Firenado reporter Johnny Spoons. “Me and the two other new employees were given a tour of the jam factory and it was very exciting! They gave us our brand new overalls and then showed us how the jam is made! From the raw ingredients coming off the trucks to the big mixing machine or the ‘Big Jam Machine’ as I like to think of it! Then there was the bottling plant. I told everyone my surname was ‘Bottle’ so maybe I should work on it! How we all laughed! It was like one of those tours of a chocolate factory you go on at back when you’re at school.”

“My dad kept saying how I was a “jammy dodger” for getting the job. He said it quite a lot and in the end I had to ask him to stop.”

So how was Tom received by his new colleagues? “I said hello to everyone, absolutely everyone. They all ignored me but I thought it was because they were all very busy and dedicated to their jobs.” However Fred Table, who has worked at the jam factory for 44 years told Firenado, “I’ve seen it all before. Everyone loves their first day at the jam factory and why wouldn’t you? You get to see the jam being made. It’s fun, even interesting. It’s on the second day that reality hits you, like a big bottle of jam smashing in to your face.”

We spoke to Tom at the end of his second day. “My second day was not so good. It just hit me as I was putting on my overalls. I have to do this for the rest of my life. I got put on the sugar machine. I put in a big sack of sugar every 3 and a half minutes. All day. Every day. It’s fucking shit!”

Ian Tuspin, manager at the jam factory told Firenado “One in every twenty-three bottles of jam that is consumed in the UK comes from this jam factory. Fact.” We asked Mr. Tuspin what conditions are like for workers at his jam factory. “Well, if you’re into making jam, this is the place for you. Plus you can buy jam at a 75% discount.”

“I don’t even like jam.” Tom Bottle told Firenado.

Another worker at the jam factory spoke to Firenado off the record and told us how there was only one way of coping with working at the jam factory, “You only work two days at the jam factory. Your first day at the jam factory and your last day at the jam factory.” What does that mean? “I don’t know really. But it helps. Everyone wonders how the jam is made. Well you don’t find out on your first day. You find out on the second day. It is made with our tears and abandoned dreams.”

 Wednesday April 18, 2012  Posted by at 7:00 am Finance and Work Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Feb 202012
 

In Part 1 Gary Apricot told Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons his harrowing account of how he was stuck in a lift with Professor Richard Dawkins and the unelected-Baroness Warsi…

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

“Nothing happened at first. We all stood there in complete silence for about five minutes. So eventually I said ‘I think the lift is stuck.’ Still they just stood there, looking straight ahead like they could stare the situation away by sheer force of will. I squeezed around them, being very careful not to touch them, and pressed the emergency button and then I didn’t know what to say so I said ‘I’ve just pressed the emergency button.’ They both looked at me like I was some kind of dim-witted fool. So I squeezed around them again and we all just stood there.”

I told Gary that Firenado would want our money back if this story didn’t get any better. Gary continued, “So then Richard Dawkins said ‘Maybe we should all pray’ in what I can only describe as an incredibly sarcastic way. The unelected-Baroness Warsi just turned to him and with fury in her voice said ‘You Godless shit!’. They both looked incredibly angry.” Gary told me how for the next 2 hours Warsi and Dawkins had a wide-ranging discussion about the existence of God and the role of faith and secularism in a modern democratic state.

“It was very interesting but after the first hour I tuned out really. I stuck in my headphones and listed to some Chumbawamba on my MP3. I then realised I had a bag of Wotsits in my bag. I got them out and I realised that they had both stopped speaking and were looking at my bag of Wotsits. ‘We should share all the Wotsits’ said professer Dawkins and I reluctantly agreed. I had been looking forward to the whole bag but I suppose they were as hungry as me. We eat the Wotsits in silence. I handed them out one at time. It was quiet surreal really.” I nodded at Gary’s wise words.

Then we heard a voice from outside say ‘the lift is stuck but should be fixed in two or three hours.’ Both the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Professer Dawkins looked dejected. I thought they needed cheering up so I told them I might have another bag of Wotsits. Then they both started a continuous low moaning sound that got louder and louder until it became a scream and the scream got louder and louder until it became like a siren. I had to put my hands over my ears. They were both just stood there screaming and then this strange light started to beam out of their mouths and eyes.”

“Then there was this almighty clang and then a moment later the lift just dropped at an incredible speed for what seemed like a minute. There was an almighty crash. The doors opened and we were in hell!” Gary screamed at the top of his voice, looking at me with his mad-bastard eyes.

I then told Gary that I wanted my money back. With a look of disappointment, he pulled out the cash I had given him only 15 minutes before and he handed it to me. I took it, stood up and headed to my car. Over my shoulder I heard Gary shout, “I could tell you about the time I took a taxi with Melanie Phillips and Bob Crow!” I shook my head and walked away.

 Monday February 20, 2012  Posted by at 1:33 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 172012
 

A special report from Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons.

“I don’t know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I’ve seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.

I found Gary sitting on the back steps of his house in a quiet street in Enfield. He was furiously smoking a rolled-up cigarette, rocking ever so slightly back and forth. I said “HELLO” very loudly. Gary lept-up and started screaming. You could tell that he was somewhat agitated but he agreed to speak to Firenado after I calmed him down and offered him some money.

“It was just a day like any other or so I thought.” said Gary, his eyes manically darting side-to-side looking for danger. “I’d just finished a meeting with a client and had gone into the lift – just like I’ve done hundreds of times before. I have always had a fear of lifts after I found out that on average, one person every day somewhere in the world is decapitated entering or leaving a lift. You see if the cable snaps, the lift is so heavy it falls so fast that it just chops the person in two. I thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to someone in a lift. I was wrong”.

Gary continued, “I got in at the 14th floor. At the 10th floor a man walked in and I thought I recognised him so I just stared at him, as you do, but he stopped and stared back with the scariest eyes I’d ever seen and said ‘What?’ in an incredibly sarcastic way. I then realised it was Richard Dawkins. All he said to me was ‘I’m sorry for being so incredibly smug.’ and I thought well this will make for an interesting story. Nothing happened until we got to the 7th floor. The lift doors opened and who was there but the unelected-Baroness Warsi. They just stared at each other and then she walked in and stood beside him.”

I asked Gary what was the atmosphere like. “Awkward. It very awkward.” was all Gary would say.

“The unelected-Baroness Warsi looked at me and said ‘I’ve just escaped from the lunatic asylum’ ” and she made a ‘pop’ sound with her mouth. I thought that that was a strange thing to say but then she is clearly mental I suppose. I wondered if they were going to have an argument but before anything happened we got to the fourth floor and the lift just stopped. It took a second for me to realise that I was stuck in a lift with the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Richard Dawkins. I thought ‘this is cool’. How wrong can a man be?”

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

PART 2 – Click here

 Friday February 17, 2012  Posted by at 2:00 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 152012
 
heart on fire

Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results.

“I’ve never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.”

Loveable loser Kevin told Firenado, “I just thought that we were done with all that and that we both knew that we loved each other. So I suggested to Cathy that we don’t bother with presents this year or any make any fuss really. She said that she thought it was a good idea. Sorted. Or so I thought…”

“Kevin really fucked it up this time.” said Kevin’s best mate Dan. “I told him it was a stupid idea. Get Cathy some flowers, a present and have a nice meal. She might have said that not doing anything for Valentine’s Day was a good idea but it doesn’t work like that. We all told him it was a bad idea and some of us know nothing about women. Even Barry knew it was a bad idea and he’s still a virgin and he smells and women don’t like him.”

“None of those statements are true” said Barry “but Kevin’s idea was truly terrible. Not even a card. What was he thinking?”

Firenado has learned that Cathy had thought Kevin’s professed plan to not participate in Valentine’s Day was part of an elaborate rouse and cunning romantic masterplan. Cathy had fooled herself into thinking there was a chance that Kevin would ask her to marry him.

“Will she’s shit out of luck isn’t she!!” Said Cathy’s best friend Margaret “But you make your own luck in this world and no good can come from a relationship with Kevin. Dump him. Move on. Job done.”

The morning came and went. Cathy saw flowers arriving at work but none of them were for her. It was only after Cathy got home at around 8pm that the terrible truth dawned – Kevin had done shit all for Valentine’s Day.

“It was horrible.” recalls Kevin. “She just had this look like everything good and decent in the world had died and then she just kept crying and crying and crying. I kept saying I was sorry but it was too late. She didn’t say anything. There was just this terrible moan.”

Cathy spent last night at Margaret’s and has cancelled all public appearances. Meanwhile Kevin has spent the last day staring out of the kitchen window saying “but she said she didn’t want a present…” over and over again.

 Wednesday February 15, 2012  Posted by at 2:01 pm Relationships Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 132012
 
The Queen saying 'meh'

Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially ‘not bothered’ about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The Queen phoned us at 3am on Friday morning and Firenado reporter Lucy Sledgehammer asked the Monarch what were her thoughts on reaching sixty years on the throne and what was she most looking forward to about the celebrations that will mark the event.

“The Diamond Jubilee? I’m not bothered about it. It’s a lot of fuss about nothing really. The thing is, it’s just not very relevant to me personally. What does the royal family really mean in this day and age?” said the Queen. “I think that royalty meant a lot more before TV when no one had anything better to do then sit around all evening and daydream about members of the royal family.”

“But isn’t it quite an achievement to reign for 60 years?” Firenado asked. “I suppose not dying on the job is a good thing, but I’m not sure it’s worth a party.” answered the glum-sounding sovereign.

But it seems that the Queen may be in tune with public opinion with polls indicating that around 90% of the British population couldn’t give a shit about the Diamond Jubilee with only the BBC, members of the government and sycophantic weirdos being exceptions.

So what does the Queen think about all the events that will be held to celebrate her 60 years on the throne? “Waste of money isn’t it? Although an extra bank holiday will be nice, won’t it? But it’s not as though I’ll get to enjoy it. I’m working that day.”

The Diamond Jubilee marks the 60th anniversary of the Queen being the Queen and is being marked by a series of events and celebrations centred around the weekend of 4th and 5th June including;

  • 200,00 children will compete in a race over a 15-mile course through the streets of London. The winner will get to have a jacket potato meal with the Prince of Edinburgh, Johnny Ball and Gary Barlow.
  • The Prime Minister and the High Commissioners from 50 Commonwealth countries singing ‘God Save the Queen’ while bouncing up and down on the world’s largest trampoline.
  • A Thames Royal Pageant which will consist of a flotilla of 1,000 speedboats going up and down a two-mile stretch of the Thames for a 48-hour period.
  • 10 million chocolate Celebrations with tiny parachutes will be airdropped by planes all over the UK on June 5th.

As we had the chance, we asked the Queen who was her favourite Prime Minister? “Easy. Winston Churchill. He always had time for you.” And the worst? “That would be Thatcher. Whenever she came over for dinner we could only have the plastic cutlery out in case she went off on one.”

The Queen would get in to the Guinness Book of Records if she is still reigning on 10th September 2015 as she would surpass Queen Victoria as the longest reigning British Monarch.

Follow Firenado for our in-depth coverage of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

 Monday February 13, 2012  Posted by at 1:08 pm Britain, Politics Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Feb 102012
 
You Suck!

Sarah Bellic has turned out to be a far better computer games player than her boyfriend, Michael Payne – to everyone’s surprise.

Sarah said ”Michael has always spent a lot of time playing computer games and I always thought that they were a bit stupid and a giant waste of time and that Michael should spend more time with me and actually living his life instead of sitting in his underpants in his living room playing at shooting people.”

But when Sarah was ill a few weeks ago with chronic diarrhoea she decided to see what all the fuss was about and there were some surprising results.

“As soon as I started playing, I had this sense that I had been doing this all my life. It sounds a bit weird but I felt that I was at one with the console, that my handling of the controller was an extension of my will. In a way, it was like I was born to do this. Who would have thought it? You’re not going to mention that I had chronic diarrhoea are you?”

Sarah completed all of Michael’s games in one afternoon and smashed all of his highest scores to shit.

But what about Michael’s reaction to this unexpected turn of events? On Michael’s return home that day, he didn’t believe Sarah’s claims but after several hours of playing head-to-head, Michael couldn’t hide from the fact that Sarah was much better at playing computer games than he was.

“At first it was tough to accept that Sarah is better than me at playing computer games but I’m not really that bothered. It doesn’t really matter does it?” Michael said as he looked into the distance.

But Sarah didn’t just play Michael. She launched herself into the world of online gaming and gained quite the name for herself.

“I have a lot of time for Sarah_LOL (Sarah’s tagname). Me and some other of the regulars were impressed that Sarah is really a woman and that she wasn’t a dude pretending to be a girl. Again.” said Brian Swadock aka Ninga_Gangster (Brian’s tagname). “She’s got some serious skills.”

So will playing computer games be a big part of Sarah’s future? “I don’t think so. It was fun but I think I don’t want to waste any more of my time on it. I’ve got friends, a career and more healthy, wholesome pastimes.”

However sources have informed Firenado, that Michael is secretly gutted that Sarah is so much better at playing computing games than he is. “It’s the only thing, that I’ve been good at and she’s taken it away from me” he told one friend.

The fact that she in no way sees her considerable aptitude as a valuable or desirable skill infuriates Michael even more.

Firenado has learned that Michael is secretly waiting for a pretext to end the relationship.

Michael’s mum weighed in the controversy by saying, “If Michael breaks up with Sarah then he’s an idiot. Sarah could do a lot better than Michael, he should count himself lucky.”

Sarah’s friend Becky agrees, “I don’t know what she see seems in him.”

We asked Sarah what she thought about Michael’s secret plan to end the relationship. “What? Michael wants to break up with me? But why? What have I done?”

Make sure you check in with Firenado, for further updates.

 Friday February 10, 2012  Posted by at 12:10 am Technology Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 082012
 

Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.

Under Goodwin’s leadership, RBS collapsed in on itself, creating a financial blackhole which sucked in £45 billion pounds of taxpayers’ money and all of Britain’s happiness since 2008.

Fred Goodwin’s time ended at RBS when everything went to shit. However despite RBS and the taxpayer losing billions, Goodwin made millions from his time at RBS and has an annual pension for the rest of time itself.

While it is normal for a pension to be paid in cash monies, for some unknown reason, not-Sir Fred Goodwin received his annual pension in the form of a big bed of money. The big bed of money costs £342,500 per year in maintenance costs and since the nationalisation of RBS such costs are effectively funded by the taxpayer.

The king-sized big bed of money consists of over 40,000 £50 notes and while not being very conformable to sleep on, is never-the-less, a big bed of money. Bed expert Anthony Shedding said, “It shouldn’t be possible to get a good nights sleep on a big bed made of money but somehow it is. We can only theorise that it’s the tangible sense of comfort and relaxation from knowing that you are sleeping on a big bed of money that gets you to sleep.”

When Fred Goodwin was informed of the loss of his knighthood, he said “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BIG BED OF MONEY??!!”. On being told that he will get to keep the big bed of money, he reportedly said, “Oh well. You win some, lose some!”, before crying himself to sleep on his big bed of money.

The forfeiture committee said that Fred Goodwin had brought the honours system into disrepute, saying ‘…and that takes some doing’. The forfeiture committee confirmed that the loss of his knighthood will in no way affect his ownership of his big bed of money.

The Prime Minister rejected demands that Fred Goodwin should be subject to regulatory action, criminal prosecution or even the loss of his big bed of money. “He’s had his knighthood taken away. I cannot see how we could have been any tougher.” He added, “Apart from actually being tough.”

The Chancellor, George Osborne, said, “I sincerely hope people accept this token gesture and that it will take everyone’s mind off the financial crisis, why it happened and how the country is utterly screwed.”

Ed Miliband, “I fully support this entirely symbolic act and this needs to the first in a whole series of entirely symbolic acts. As long these symbolic acts don’t upset too many rich and powerful people.” The Labour leader added, “I really want to be Prime Minister.” Before asking the Firenado reporter how he intended to vote at the next election.

A government insider added, “It is clear, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Fred Goodwin was solely responsible for Britain’s economic difficulties. Along with Ed Miliband and Ed Balls.”

The former Chancellor Alistar Darling objected to Fred Goodwin losing his knighthood by saying, “It was my fault too.”

Our financial correspondent Johnny Spoons said, “Everyone seems to have forgotten about the big bed of money and that Fred Goodwin was merely one person among many in the whole of the banking sector and political elite, all of whom enthusiastically supported a reckless financial system and a lack of regulation that led to the economic collapse in 2008.”

The Financial Services Authority as well as leading politicians on both sides are regarded by many to have a played a substantial part in the banking crisis due to weak oversight of the financial markets. The FSA was unable to give a comment as everybody at the FSA had been taken out to lunch this afternoon by the British Banker’s Association.

Fred Goodwin originally received a knighthood in 2004 from the previous Labour Government for services to Banking.

 Wednesday February 8, 2012  Posted by at 12:00 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 302012
 

It has emerged that Gary Spannerman of Darlington is unable to understand why his wife Cathy is so insistent that they spend £6,000 on a new kitchen.

When first informed by Cathy that she had decided that they needed a new kitchen, Gary at first didn’t understand what Cathy was saying. Gary said “All the individual words made sense but the idea of spending £6,000 on a new kitchen – I thought I was missing something. I kept asking how is the current kitchen broke. How can a kitchen break? But in the end I got it – there was nothing wrong with the old kitchen. Cathy just wanted a new one.”

The ‘great kitchen controversy’ as Cathy and Gary’s friends and relatives have labelled it, has resulted in Gary questioning other aspects of his life. Gary said, “After talking to Cathy, I sat down and thought about my life. How did I end up here? I’m 38 and I’m not sure I’m really living the life that I want to. I just seemed to have slid in to it. My office job isn’t terrible but when I was younger I wanted to be an actor. When did I decide to give up on my dreams? £6,000 on a kitchen? Why don’t we save a little more, quit our jobs and go around the world for a year?”

Gary spoke to Firenado and said, “I just don’t understand. Why would we spend £6,000 on a new kitchen? It’s a huge amount of money. Our current kitchen is just fine.”

Cathy said, “We need a new kitchen. The old one is tatty. Plus it’s a good investment. It will increase the price of the house. We’ve lived in this house for 10 years, and the kitchen is at least 15 years old. It’s time we had a new kitchen.”

Cathy had done a considerable amount of research on the various possibilities and decided on one of Britain’s leading kitchen outfitters. “It’s a very modern design that will really fit in with the rest of the house. I know £6,000 is a lot of money – but that’s what a new fitted kitchen costs.”

There have been rumours that Cathy will terminate all sexual relations until an agreement on a new kitchen is reached. Sexual relations were briefly suspended after Gary questioned the need for a new kitchen on the basis that Cathy rarely uses the kitchen as it is. Cathy responded that has Gary has not provided her with children, the very least he can do is agree to the new kitchen.

Gary said “I don’t think any amount of sex is worth £6,000.” Although experts have expressed doubts as to whether Gary will to be able to go without sex for any considerable period of time without a dramatic decline in his ability to function.

Gary refutes this, “If we were to spend £6,000 on a new kitchen I wouldn’t want to have sex. I wouldn’t want to do anything. I may well curl up into a ball and just fucking die.”

Gary added, “£6,000! On a new kitchen! I just can’t understand why anybody would spend that amount of money on a kitchen.”

Analysts disagree on how the situation will resolve itself. One said, “I think the jury is still out. The most likely result is that Gary will give in, but there is a chance that a negotiated settlement will mean a kitchen that will cost in the range of £3,000 to £5,000. The prospect of Gary getting his way appear slim although we have rarely seen such determination before as we have in his opposition to spending £6,000 on a new kitchen.”

 Monday January 30, 2012  Posted by at 7:11 pm Relationships Tagged with:  No Responses »
Jan 282012
 

Controversy Erupts Over Banker’s Bonuses

A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it’s a privately owned bank.

The leaders of the political parties competed to sound the toughest in condemning the payout while doing nothing to actually stop the payout. The Prime Minister David Cameron said “It is disgraceful that the head of RBS is getting such a massive payout and I’m absolutely appalled, more appalled than any other political leader of course, but I have not done anything to stop the payout and will continue to not actually do anything stop this massive payout.”

Ed Miliband said, “If Labour were in government, this massive and unacceptable payout would never have gone ahead even though when Labour was in government, similar massive and unacceptable payouts happened on a regular basis. Did you know David Cameron went to Eton?”

Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats, said “Even if no-one likes me and no-one votes for me at the next election, I’m the deputy Prime Minister and no-one can ever take that away from me, can they?” When pressed to address the issue at hand, Nick Clegg said “Yes, it as an absolute disgrace and we the Liberal Democrats are bringing forward measures that are designed to make us look like we are taking action but that will not in anyway result in actual action.”

The British governments owns 99.99% of RBS through UK Financial Investments which is 100% owned by the British Government.

George Osborne said, “I would bet his bonus will be a lot less than the bonuses of other people running banks are going to get and half of what he got last year.” George Osborne actually said this, we didn’t make that quote up.

Firenado asked the Prime Minister why he won’t actually do something to stop the payout going ahead, “Well, we don’t actually want to take on the vested interests of the financial markets of course. We don’t really care in fact, but it is very important that we appear to think massive and undeserved payments are a bad thing.” Labour leader Ed Miliband added, “We would never actually do something to stop the payment going ahead of course but I must sound tough because I want to win the next election.”

Firenado’s political correspondent, Johnny Spoons explains, “No-one in the political establishment would actually do anything to stop the scandal of bankers’ bonuses because that would mean having a fundamentally different idea of how things should work i.e. that rich people should not be able to do what ever they want.”

 Saturday January 28, 2012  Posted by at 11:21 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 272012
 

In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview – for the first time EVER!

At the Firenado offices we were naturally sceptical when someone got in touch claiming to be the month of January but in the end we decided to just go with it.

January, or Jan, as he likes to be called, said that he just couldn’t take it anymore. “You know, it really can get a month down when everyone bad mouths you – or should that be – bad months yer!” Jan gloomily joked. “Every year it’s the same story, everyone saying how much they think I suck, how terrible they feel in January and how they can’t wait to see the back of me.”

“What people don’t understand is that December is a really tough act to follow. Everyone loves December and why wouldn’t they? December’s got Christmas and what have I got? My hands on my balls, that’s what. ”

Is there anything good about being January? “Well it’s great to be number one, I’m number one kinda guy, I mean month, after all. And it’s great to start the year with a big party, don’t get me wrong, but it is a little weird. Everyone’s all pissed up when I get there and that’s the highlight quite frankly because it’s all downhill from there. Everyone goes mental with resolutions, giving up this and that, getting all depressed when they fail.

Everyone blames me for being so poor. Listen, it wasn’t me that spunked away all your money over Christmas.

And why are so people glad that I’m about to finish? Feb ain’t all that, I mean he’s alright, but it’s not as though there is a lot to him, is there? What do you think of when you think of Feb? A leap day. Well that’s only once every four years. I don’t mean to be rude but Feb isn’t all there. 28 days?”

“Or 29!!”, we pointed out! January just stared at us with his sad and haunted eyes.

As we had January in the Firenado offices, we took the opportunity to pose the questions everyone’s been gagging to know the answers to!!

We asked January what did he really think of the summer months, July and August? “I don’t really know them that well, it’s a bit of a chalk and cheese situation, but if I had to comment, I would probably say they were smug bastards and that I hate them.”

But is January that different from July, as in the southern hemisphere January is quite warm and it gets chilly in July? “Yeah, good point.” January replies.

So does January have any tips for Firenado readers in getting through January? “Keep those expectations low, real low. When you have them as low as you think you can ever have them, lower ‘em so more.

A digit change in the year number doesn’t mean that you can magically change too. Rather than trying to change everything in your life – pick one thing and put all your energy in to that that. And keep your Christmas decorations up.”

So what does January do for the rest of the year, when he’s not busy being January? “Not much.”

NEXT MONTH: February

 Friday January 27, 2012  Posted by at 1:52 pm Madness Tagged with:  No Responses »