Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results.
“I’ve never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.”
Loveable loser Kevin told Firenado, “I just thought that we were done with all that and that we both knew that we loved each other. So I suggested to Cathy that we don’t bother with presents this year or any make any fuss really. She said that she thought it was a good idea. Sorted. Or so I thought…”
“Kevin really fucked it up this time.” said Kevin’s best mate Dan. “I told him it was a stupid idea. Get Cathy some flowers, a present and have a nice meal. She might have said that not doing anything for Valentine’s Day was a good idea but it doesn’t work like that. We all told him it was a bad idea and some of us know nothing about women. Even Barry knew it was a bad idea and he’s still a virgin and he smells and women don’t like him.”
“None of those statements are true” said Barry “but Kevin’s idea was truly terrible. Not even a card. What was he thinking?”
Firenado has learned that Cathy had thought Kevin’s professed plan to not participate in Valentine’s Day was part of an elaborate rouse and cunning romantic masterplan. Cathy had fooled herself into thinking there was a chance that Kevin would ask her to marry him.
“Will she’s shit out of luck isn’t she!!” Said Cathy’s best friend Margaret “But you make your own luck in this world and no good can come from a relationship with Kevin. Dump him. Move on. Job done.”
The morning came and went. Cathy saw flowers arriving at work but none of them were for her. It was only after Cathy got home at around 8pm that the terrible truth dawned – Kevin had done shit all for Valentine’s Day.
“It was horrible.” recalls Kevin. “She just had this look like everything good and decent in the world had died and then she just kept crying and crying and crying. I kept saying I was sorry but it was too late. She didn’t say anything. There was just this terrible moan.”
Cathy spent last night at Margaret’s and has cancelled all public appearances. Meanwhile Kevin has spent the last day staring out of the kitchen window saying “but she said she didn’t want a present…” over and over again.