People across Britain have been rejoicing in the news that they still have no chance whatsoever with Tom Daley – be it a cuddle, a brief sexual encounter much less any kind of relationship.
With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here?
“And lo, a terrible spectre haunted the earth, five horsemen: War, Hunger, Pestilence, Death and Farage. Armageddon followed in their wake. The end of world had come.”
Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially ‘not bothered’ about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.