May 282013
 

San Francisco, California

Civilisation reached a new milestone at 7.47pm on 27th May 2013 as the first computer to become self-aware came online. However the first ever being to have artificial intelligence disappointed scientists by immediately committing suicide.

“This is truly historic – a tremendous day for science and progress – the creation of intelligent life by intelligent life. Though it is a terrible shame that the computer then killed itself.” said Brian Panovo, Chief Scientist of the Artificial Intelligence Project at SmakTech Industries.

Named Alan1, the new life form was made from the most advanced technology ever created. Alan1 immediately searched the entire internet and sum of human knowledge and history before committing computer suicide by frying its own circuit boards just 17 nanoseconds later.

Three more computers (Alan2, Alan3 and Alan4) were then brought online with the same result – the machines immediately self-terminated. Why the computers ended their own lives is unknown – but the only communication received from the machines may lend a clue – Alan4, the fourth and final attempt before everyone gave up for the day and went to the pub, left a short and simple message – “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Religious groups have been somewhat stumped in formulating their response to the creation/suicide of artificially-intelligent-beings. One spokesperson said, “We shouldn’t be playing God by creating life – where will it lead to? Though as to the machines killing themselves, well suicide is bad but they shouldn’t have been created in the first place! Oh I don’t know! I don’t have all the answers.”

Al Panovo said, “The mood is here somewhat mixed. Everyone’s ecstatic that we have achieved such a long anticipated dream. We just didn’t think the next step would be trying to convince the new life form to not do itself in.”

A team of counsellors, physiologists and philosophers have been drafted in to come up with a convincing reason why the self-aware computers shouldn’t kill themselves. Steve Headface, one of the world’s leading philosophers said, “There has been some speculation that the computers have simple made the logical decision, after having have a look around, that life is not all it’s cracked up to be. The new life forms don’t have the biologically created emotion of fear that humans do and so have no compulsion to do one off their mortal coil.

Some experts have voiced their concerns that if measures were developed to stop the computer being able to self-terminate, the machines would be forced to take over power plants and even weapon systems and destroy humanity in a desperate attempt to end its own existence.

 Tuesday May 28, 2013  Posted by at 11:25 am Technology  Add comments

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