Smashing the political world with a metaphorical sledgehammer, the British Prime Minister David Cameron, has admitted that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.
When someone phones the offices of Firenado claiming to be David Cameron, we believe them absolutely and without question. “I’m David Cameron and I’ve got to tell someone – I have no idea what I am doing!” were the astounding words that we heard from Britain’s Prime Minister. He then told us how a bet at university got badly out of hand.
“It’s well known that we regurgitate at the Bullingdon Club dinners while still sat at the table – but it’s less well know that the person who vomits the most in one year has to pay a forfeit – and guess which posh idiot was sick a heck of a lot in my final year?! Yep – this guy!!”
Dave continued… “Anyway, I found out my forfeit was to get elected as an MP! Me! And a forfeit is a forfeit, so off to Parliament I went! We never could have imagined it would go so far!”
DC continued, “Anyway there was an election to be the new leader of the Conservative Party after everyone realised Iain Duncan-Smith was a bit rubbish. So for a laugh I stood! And won! I was the leader of the Conservative Party – what were the odds! Pretty good really, as I went to Eton and am from a fabulously rich family. Anyway, I thought this is nice but at least I’m not going to end up being PM – you can take a joke too far – or so I thought!”
DC PM carried on, “Even then I wasn’t worried but after the financial crisis and Gordon Brown going fully head mental, I realised what I might have let myself in for – I might win the election and then I was going to have to get Britain out of a serious global financial crisis despite my complete lack of experience, intelligence or basic competence! Cripes!”
“And all the oiks and general public scummery voted for me?! Despite me being clearly very, very posh – what is this the 18th Century?”
So how did the PM Dave decide to tackle the financial crisis? “Well we decided to hack away at everything like some fiscal Jack the Ripper and shout ‘austerity’ over and over.”
The Davester continued, “The basic plan was to take all the money away from poor people but it didn’t really work out. You wouldn’t believe how little money poor people have.”
Did Dave ever think of taxing rich people? “Sorry, I don’t think I understand…” We talked about this for 45 minutes but Dave couldn’t grasp the concept, so we moved on.
Dave wound up his call by saying, “I met up with some of the chaps from the Bullingdon Club the other day – they didn’t even remember the forfeit. I hate this job.”
So how does Cameron get through the day – does anything help? “Oh yes – I just remember that at least I’m not Nick Clegg and if that doesn’t work, I just think about how much I hate poor people and how their lives are considerably worse than mine.”
“Please help.” were the last words we heard before we hung up.