In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview – for the first time EVER!
At the Firenado offices we were naturally sceptical when someone got in touch claiming to be the month of January but in the end we decided to just go with it.
January, or Jan, as he likes to be called, said that he just couldn’t take it anymore. “You know, it really can get a month down when everyone bad mouths you – or should that be – bad months yer!” Jan gloomily joked. “Every year it’s the same story, everyone saying how much they think I suck, how terrible they feel in January and how they can’t wait to see the back of me.”
“What people don’t understand is that December is a really tough act to follow. Everyone loves December and why wouldn’t they? December’s got Christmas and what have I got? My hands on my balls, that’s what. ”
Is there anything good about being January? “Well it’s great to be number one, I’m number one kinda guy, I mean month, after all. And it’s great to start the year with a big party, don’t get me wrong, but it is a little weird. Everyone’s all pissed up when I get there and that’s the highlight quite frankly because it’s all downhill from there. Everyone goes mental with resolutions, giving up this and that, getting all depressed when they fail.
Everyone blames me for being so poor. Listen, it wasn’t me that spunked away all your money over Christmas.
And why are so people glad that I’m about to finish? Feb ain’t all that, I mean he’s alright, but it’s not as though there is a lot to him, is there? What do you think of when you think of Feb? A leap day. Well that’s only once every four years. I don’t mean to be rude but Feb isn’t all there. 28 days?”
“Or 29!!”, we pointed out! January just stared at us with his sad and haunted eyes.
As we had January in the Firenado offices, we took the opportunity to pose the questions everyone’s been gagging to know the answers to!!
We asked January what did he really think of the summer months, July and August? “I don’t really know them that well, it’s a bit of a chalk and cheese situation, but if I had to comment, I would probably say they were smug bastards and that I hate them.”
But is January that different from July, as in the southern hemisphere January is quite warm and it gets chilly in July? “Yeah, good point.” January replies.
So does January have any tips for Firenado readers in getting through January? “Keep those expectations low, real low. When you have them as low as you think you can ever have them, lower ‘em so more.
A digit change in the year number doesn’t mean that you can magically change too. Rather than trying to change everything in your life – pick one thing and put all your energy in to that that. And keep your Christmas decorations up.”
So what does January do for the rest of the year, when he’s not busy being January? “Not much.”