A special report from Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons.
“I don’t know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I’ve seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.
I found Gary sitting on the back steps of his house in a quiet street in Enfield. He was furiously smoking a rolled-up cigarette, rocking ever so slightly back and forth. I said “HELLO” very loudly. Gary lept-up and started screaming. You could tell that he was somewhat agitated but he agreed to speak to Firenado after I calmed him down and offered him some money.
“It was just a day like any other or so I thought.” said Gary, his eyes manically darting side-to-side looking for danger. “I’d just finished a meeting with a client and had gone into the lift – just like I’ve done hundreds of times before. I have always had a fear of lifts after I found out that on average, one person every day somewhere in the world is decapitated entering or leaving a lift. You see if the cable snaps, the lift is so heavy it falls so fast that it just chops the person in two. I thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to someone in a lift. I was wrong”.
Gary continued, “I got in at the 14th floor. At the 10th floor a man walked in and I thought I recognised him so I just stared at him, as you do, but he stopped and stared back with the scariest eyes I’d ever seen and said ‘What?’ in an incredibly sarcastic way. I then realised it was Richard Dawkins. All he said to me was ‘I’m sorry for being so incredibly smug.’ and I thought well this will make for an interesting story. Nothing happened until we got to the 7th floor. The lift doors opened and who was there but the unelected-Baroness Warsi. They just stared at each other and then she walked in and stood beside him.”
I asked Gary what was the atmosphere like. “Awkward. It very awkward.” was all Gary would say.
“The unelected-Baroness Warsi looked at me and said ‘I’ve just escaped from the lunatic asylum’ ” and she made a ‘pop’ sound with her mouth. I thought that that was a strange thing to say but then she is clearly mental I suppose. I wondered if they were going to have an argument but before anything happened we got to the fourth floor and the lift just stopped. It took a second for me to realise that I was stuck in a lift with the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Richard Dawkins. I thought ‘this is cool’. How wrong can a man be?”
So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…
PART 2 – Click here