With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here? Firenado spoke to the bewildered people of Britain.
Sarah Marywhistle of Stoke-on-Trent said, “It rains all the time, every bloody day. Why do I live here? My cousin lives in Australia – it’s hot all the time there – and sunny!”
“I get so sad and depressed at this time year. It gets so dark. It’s like living your life with sunglasses on in a place with no sun.” Said Archie Monroe from Leicester. “Every year I go on holiday to somewhere I actually enjoy being. Why don’t I just stay there?! Why don’t I?”
“It just hit me, like a ton of autumn bricks: this is a sodding miserable place to live!” So says Kevin Connor, 32 of Kent. “You might, might I say, have an okay summer and then it gets dark and stays dark for the next 8 bloody months! It’s raining, it’s cold, it’s miserable! I might think about emigrating! Come to think of it, I thought that at the same time last year!”
Not only has it dawned on millions of people throughout Britain that it’s a miserable to place to live, they have also realised that they thought this exact same thing at this time last year.
Sir Thomas Moragan, head of a hitherto secret Home Office task force with the single goal of Stopping People Leaving the UK (SPLUK) speaks exclusively to Firenado.
“It ain’t easy but somebody has to do it and that body is me!” Said Sir Tom. “Now your first bit of autumn is not too bad. Sure people start thinking, wait a minute, what a ‘shithole’! but they’re easily distracted with red and brown beautifully coloured autumn leaves, makes ’em think of childhood don’t it? It soon gets tricky after that, so that’s when you hit ’em with bonfire night. BOOM. Give ’em a bit of a show. Plus there’s halloween, bit of fun – init?”
Sir Tom continued with a rolled up cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, “Then we get everyone excited for the run up to Christmas. Plus it helps that everyone gets incredibly pissed for a good month. Distracts them from the fact that it’s getting dark at 4pm. Hahaha. New Year’s Eve of course is a big party and gives everyone the most important idea of all – the illusion of hope!”
“Now January and February can be a bit grim but everyone’s depressed and paying off all the debt they racked up before Christmas – genius! The last thing they are thinking about is emigrating to a place that they might actually enjoy living in – one that’s sunny and warm all year round! Anyway, everyone’s thinking about the couple of week’s holiday that they have coming up in a country with decent weather.”
“Then Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt – job done. Spring is here, a bit of chocolate for Easter, the day starts getting longer and everyone’s happy. And everyone forgets for another year about what a bloody miserable place we all live in.”
NEXT TIME: A TORY GOVERNMENT – YET ANOTHER REASON TO LEAVE BRITAIN