May 232013

Microsoft have launched their new console – an all-in-one mega-entertainment system that will know your deepest, darkest secret.

Following Microsoft’s unveiling of its new console, the Xbox One, the online criticism has come thick and fast. Gamers have expressed their disappointment at some of the key changes that Microsoft have made to the next generation console from its predecessor, the Xbox 360. Including;

• Xbox 360 games will not work on the Xbox One

• The Xbox One will have to be connected to the internet at least once a day

• The new console will know your deepest, darkest secret – the one that you had pushed so deep, down inside of you that you had thought it would never, ever get out

Microsoft have defended the new features saying that they will help create a vastly superior gaming experience from anything known before and all at the small cost of a computer knowing all about that thing that you did (you know the one).

The Xbox one will be powered by a state-of-the-art battery and the power of the knowledge of that thing that you did that you have never told anyone about, because by not telling anyone, in a way that means that it never happened.

The changes will also act as anti-piracy measures. It will be much more difficult to use illegal copies of games and if a user breaks any of Microsoft’s terms and conditions, your deepest, darkest secret will be emailed to everyone that you have ever known.

One gamer we spoke to said, “This is really messed up. I just want to able to shoot shit up. Why will Microsoft insist on knowing about that thing that I did years ago that I’ve never told anyone about? Will I ever be able to move on with my life?”

Industry experts have said that the data protection implications are “mind-boggling.”

We asked Microsoft how exactly the new console will learn the dreaded information that you have never shared with another human being. The spokesman said that that information was ‘proprietary’ and ‘probably something you would find deeply disturbing.’

 Thursday May 23, 2013  Posted by at 11:56 am Technology Tagged with: , ,  Add comments

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