“And lo, a terrible spectre haunted the earth, five horsemen: War, Hunger, Pestilence, Death and Farage. Armageddon followed in their wake. The end of world had come.”
The sensational and unexpected truth has been discovered – Nigel Farage was the fifth horseman of the apocalypse back before there were only four horsemen. The leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is new as a major player on the British political scene but it seems he’s also as old as humanity itself.
The news emerged when the four remaining horseman of the apocalypse issued a statement distancing themselves from their former associate. “We just want to make it clear that we in no share or endorse any of our former colleague’s opinions.”
It appears the four horsemen were uncomfortable with any appearance of an implicit endorsement of the ex-banker’s views or political programme.
Firenado exclusively spoke to Pestilence about why Farage had left the horsemen. “Well it was creative differences I suppose. To be honest he was just a bit of a downer – bad news if you will – and that’s me saying it.”
Pestilence continued, “He was always going on about foreigners, how everything was getting worse and the need for ‘common-sense’ solutions.”
It is believed by experts that if UKIP were to gain more than 30% of the vote in any national election, the end of the world would be nigh.
“Obviously,” Pestilence said, “We’re not against the end of the world, after all that’s why we exist – to ride out before the end of all things. But we don’t quite want the end of the world just yet. So don’t vote UKIP.”
We asked Death for a comment, who said, “If you ever ask me for a comment again, I will smash your eternal soul into a million fragments of nothingness.”
These revelations are not expected to adversely affect support for Farage or UKIP as nothing Farage does or say – no matter how monstrously offensive or nonsensical – seems to affect support for UKIP in any way.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
We asked five random horsemen what issues mattered to them the most…
Hunger: It doesn’t matter who you vote for – the government always gets in! Am I right?!
Death: There are no issues. There is only me.
And the bedroom tax. I think it’s despicable.
Pestilence: NHS. I ask you, do we need one?
War: I always vote Lib Dem.
Farage: Europe. Foreigners. Political correctness. The deaths of my political foes.