Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.
Under Goodwin’s leadership, RBS collapsed in on itself, creating a financial blackhole which sucked in £45 billion pounds of taxpayers’ money and all of Britain’s happiness since 2008.
Fred Goodwin’s time ended at RBS when everything went to shit. However despite RBS and the taxpayer losing billions, Goodwin made millions from his time at RBS and has an annual pension for the rest of time itself.
While it is normal for a pension to be paid in cash monies, for some unknown reason, not-Sir Fred Goodwin received his annual pension in the form of a big bed of money. The big bed of money costs £342,500 per year in maintenance costs and since the nationalisation of RBS such costs are effectively funded by the taxpayer.
The king-sized big bed of money consists of over 40,000 £50 notes and while not being very conformable to sleep on, is never-the-less, a big bed of money. Bed expert Anthony Shedding said, “It shouldn’t be possible to get a good nights sleep on a big bed made of money but somehow it is. We can only theorise that it’s the tangible sense of comfort and relaxation from knowing that you are sleeping on a big bed of money that gets you to sleep.”
When Fred Goodwin was informed of the loss of his knighthood, he said “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BIG BED OF MONEY??!!”. On being told that he will get to keep the big bed of money, he reportedly said, “Oh well. You win some, lose some!”, before crying himself to sleep on his big bed of money.
The forfeiture committee said that Fred Goodwin had brought the honours system into disrepute, saying ‘…and that takes some doing’. The forfeiture committee confirmed that the loss of his knighthood will in no way affect his ownership of his big bed of money.
The Prime Minister rejected demands that Fred Goodwin should be subject to regulatory action, criminal prosecution or even the loss of his big bed of money. “He’s had his knighthood taken away. I cannot see how we could have been any tougher.” He added, “Apart from actually being tough.”
The Chancellor, George Osborne, said, “I sincerely hope people accept this token gesture and that it will take everyone’s mind off the financial crisis, why it happened and how the country is utterly screwed.”
Ed Miliband, “I fully support this entirely symbolic act and this needs to the first in a whole series of entirely symbolic acts. As long these symbolic acts don’t upset too many rich and powerful people.” The Labour leader added, “I really want to be Prime Minister.” Before asking the Firenado reporter how he intended to vote at the next election.
A government insider added, “It is clear, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Fred Goodwin was solely responsible for Britain’s economic difficulties. Along with Ed Miliband and Ed Balls.”
The former Chancellor Alistar Darling objected to Fred Goodwin losing his knighthood by saying, “It was my fault too.”
Our financial correspondent Johnny Spoons said, “Everyone seems to have forgotten about the big bed of money and that Fred Goodwin was merely one person among many in the whole of the banking sector and political elite, all of whom enthusiastically supported a reckless financial system and a lack of regulation that led to the economic collapse in 2008.”
The Financial Services Authority as well as leading politicians on both sides are regarded by many to have a played a substantial part in the banking crisis due to weak oversight of the financial markets. The FSA was unable to give a comment as everybody at the FSA had been taken out to lunch this afternoon by the British Banker’s Association.
Fred Goodwin originally received a knighthood in 2004 from the previous Labour Government for services to Banking.