Our most special of correspondents, Johnny Spoons, went on the hunt for Britain’s most annoying cyclist and he found him AND THAT HE IS FROM HELL…
I caught up with, we’ll call him Keith, mainly because that’s his name, on a cold spring night on the mean streets on Cambridge. I’d got a tip off about one of his hangouts and it wasn’t long before I saw him. Well I didn’t see him because he had no lights on his bike. And was dressed in black from head to toe. And was riding on the pavement. That’s right – I was about to make contact with Britain’s most annoying cyclist.
“Excuse me!” I shouted as he scraped by me on the pavement. However he just ignored me. I tried again, “I’m from Firenado!” He put his foot on the ground to stop (as he had no functioning brakes of course). “Oh hello!” were his chilling opening words. “I only ignored you because that’s part of my whole, being really bloody annoying schtick.”
I asked him straight, “I’ve been told that you’re Britain’s most annoying cyclist. What do you have to say to that?” He looked at me with his cold, dead, black eyes, “Guilty – but I’m not just an ordinary human cyclist – oh no – I’M A DEMON CYCLIST FROM HELL. MWAHAHAHA!!!”
And the strange, but definitely, definitely true story, came tumbling out of his annoying facehole…
I asked him his name. “It’s Keith.” (See above). Isn’t that a strange name for a demon, I asked. “How do you mean?” was his reply. I move on.
So how did he end up on earth and as a cyclist? “Well, my boss – the devil – is a pretty fucked-up kind of guy. He’s still all about the classics – launching plain old evil on humanity; war, hunger, sickness, you know. But he does likes to mess with people to mix it up a little. That’s where I come in – to really fuck people right off.”
He continued “I do it all. Red lights? I laugh at them – as I go through them. I ride on pavements and insult pedestrians for getting in my way – they are incredulous! You can see the confusion on their faces – how can this cyclist – ON A PAVEMENT – possibly get annoyed at them – FOR WALKING – by the time they realise that I’m a cheeky scumbag who needs to receive a large amount of physical violence, it’s too late – I’m gone.”
“I really enjoying annoying other cyclists. I like to cycle really fast and overtake someone and then slow down – it really pisses people off! And of course – no hands on the handlebar even if it means, I go incredibly, incredibly slowly.”
But aren’t these bike shenanigans a bit petty for a creature of Satan, “Well some of my Demon colleagues tend to shit all over this kind of caper. I think though this kind of stuff can really get at people in a way the big things can’t. It seems so irrelevant and people think they shouldn’t be annoyed by it, so they don’t just get mad at me, they get mad at themselves. And the madness lingers until it fires out at some poor undeserving soul.”
He beamed his shit-eating grin me. So I punched him in the face. As his nose exploded in to an expanding cloud of blood, he became a black mist and disappeared.
In the distance, all I could hear was the sound of an obviously poorly maintained bicycle.
(That’s enough of this shit – Ed.)