Feb 202012

In Part 1 Gary Apricot told Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons his harrowing account of how he was stuck in a lift with Professor Richard Dawkins and the unelected-Baroness Warsi…

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

“Nothing happened at first. We all stood there in complete silence for about five minutes. So eventually I said ‘I think the lift is stuck.’ Still they just stood there, looking straight ahead like they could stare the situation away by sheer force of will. I squeezed around them, being very careful not to touch them, and pressed the emergency button and then I didn’t know what to say so I said ‘I’ve just pressed the emergency button.’ They both looked at me like I was some kind of dim-witted fool. So I squeezed around them again and we all just stood there.”

I told Gary that Firenado would want our money back if this story didn’t get any better. Gary continued, “So then Richard Dawkins said ‘Maybe we should all pray’ in what I can only describe as an incredibly sarcastic way. The unelected-Baroness Warsi just turned to him and with fury in her voice said ‘You Godless shit!’. They both looked incredibly angry.” Gary told me how for the next 2 hours Warsi and Dawkins had a wide-ranging discussion about the existence of God and the role of faith and secularism in a modern democratic state.

“It was very interesting but after the first hour I tuned out really. I stuck in my headphones and listed to some Chumbawamba on my MP3. I then realised I had a bag of Wotsits in my bag. I got them out and I realised that they had both stopped speaking and were looking at my bag of Wotsits. ‘We should share all the Wotsits’ said professer Dawkins and I reluctantly agreed. I had been looking forward to the whole bag but I suppose they were as hungry as me. We eat the Wotsits in silence. I handed them out one at time. It was quiet surreal really.” I nodded at Gary’s wise words.

Then we heard a voice from outside say ‘the lift is stuck but should be fixed in two or three hours.’ Both the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Professer Dawkins looked dejected. I thought they needed cheering up so I told them I might have another bag of Wotsits. Then they both started a continuous low moaning sound that got louder and louder until it became a scream and the scream got louder and louder until it became like a siren. I had to put my hands over my ears. They were both just stood there screaming and then this strange light started to beam out of their mouths and eyes.”

“Then there was this almighty clang and then a moment later the lift just dropped at an incredible speed for what seemed like a minute. There was an almighty crash. The doors opened and we were in hell!” Gary screamed at the top of his voice, looking at me with his mad-bastard eyes.

I then told Gary that I wanted my money back. With a look of disappointment, he pulled out the cash I had given him only 15 minutes before and he handed it to me. I took it, stood up and headed to my car. Over my shoulder I heard Gary shout, “I could tell you about the time I took a taxi with Melanie Phillips and Bob Crow!” I shook my head and walked away.

 Monday February 20, 2012  Posted by at 1:33 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 172012

A special report from Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons.

“I don’t know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I’ve seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.

I found Gary sitting on the back steps of his house in a quiet street in Enfield. He was furiously smoking a rolled-up cigarette, rocking ever so slightly back and forth. I said “HELLO” very loudly. Gary lept-up and started screaming. You could tell that he was somewhat agitated but he agreed to speak to Firenado after I calmed him down and offered him some money.

“It was just a day like any other or so I thought.” said Gary, his eyes manically darting side-to-side looking for danger. “I’d just finished a meeting with a client and had gone into the lift – just like I’ve done hundreds of times before. I have always had a fear of lifts after I found out that on average, one person every day somewhere in the world is decapitated entering or leaving a lift. You see if the cable snaps, the lift is so heavy it falls so fast that it just chops the person in two. I thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to someone in a lift. I was wrong”.

Gary continued, “I got in at the 14th floor. At the 10th floor a man walked in and I thought I recognised him so I just stared at him, as you do, but he stopped and stared back with the scariest eyes I’d ever seen and said ‘What?’ in an incredibly sarcastic way. I then realised it was Richard Dawkins. All he said to me was ‘I’m sorry for being so incredibly smug.’ and I thought well this will make for an interesting story. Nothing happened until we got to the 7th floor. The lift doors opened and who was there but the unelected-Baroness Warsi. They just stared at each other and then she walked in and stood beside him.”

I asked Gary what was the atmosphere like. “Awkward. It very awkward.” was all Gary would say.

“The unelected-Baroness Warsi looked at me and said ‘I’ve just escaped from the lunatic asylum’ ” and she made a ‘pop’ sound with her mouth. I thought that that was a strange thing to say but then she is clearly mental I suppose. I wondered if they were going to have an argument but before anything happened we got to the fourth floor and the lift just stopped. It took a second for me to realise that I was stuck in a lift with the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Richard Dawkins. I thought ‘this is cool’. How wrong can a man be?”

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

PART 2 – Click here

 Friday February 17, 2012  Posted by at 2:00 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 132012
The Queen saying 'meh'

Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially ‘not bothered’ about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The Queen phoned us at 3am on Friday morning and Firenado reporter Lucy Sledgehammer asked the Monarch what were her thoughts on reaching sixty years on the throne and what was she most looking forward to about the celebrations that will mark the event.

“The Diamond Jubilee? I’m not bothered about it. It’s a lot of fuss about nothing really. The thing is, it’s just not very relevant to me personally. What does the royal family really mean in this day and age?” said the Queen. “I think that royalty meant a lot more before TV when no one had anything better to do then sit around all evening and daydream about members of the royal family.”

“But isn’t it quite an achievement to reign for 60 years?” Firenado asked. “I suppose not dying on the job is a good thing, but I’m not sure it’s worth a party.” answered the glum-sounding sovereign.

But it seems that the Queen may be in tune with public opinion with polls indicating that around 90% of the British population couldn’t give a shit about the Diamond Jubilee with only the BBC, members of the government and sycophantic weirdos being exceptions.

So what does the Queen think about all the events that will be held to celebrate her 60 years on the throne? “Waste of money isn’t it? Although an extra bank holiday will be nice, won’t it? But it’s not as though I’ll get to enjoy it. I’m working that day.”

The Diamond Jubilee marks the 60th anniversary of the Queen being the Queen and is being marked by a series of events and celebrations centred around the weekend of 4th and 5th June including;

  • 200,00 children will compete in a race over a 15-mile course through the streets of London. The winner will get to have a jacket potato meal with the Prince of Edinburgh, Johnny Ball and Gary Barlow.
  • The Prime Minister and the High Commissioners from 50 Commonwealth countries singing ‘God Save the Queen’ while bouncing up and down on the world’s largest trampoline.
  • A Thames Royal Pageant which will consist of a flotilla of 1,000 speedboats going up and down a two-mile stretch of the Thames for a 48-hour period.
  • 10 million chocolate Celebrations with tiny parachutes will be airdropped by planes all over the UK on June 5th.

As we had the chance, we asked the Queen who was her favourite Prime Minister? “Easy. Winston Churchill. He always had time for you.” And the worst? “That would be Thatcher. Whenever she came over for dinner we could only have the plastic cutlery out in case she went off on one.”

The Queen would get in to the Guinness Book of Records if she is still reigning on 10th September 2015 as she would surpass Queen Victoria as the longest reigning British Monarch.

Follow Firenado for our in-depth coverage of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

 Monday February 13, 2012  Posted by at 1:08 pm Britain, Politics Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »