Controversy Erupts Over Banker’s Bonuses
A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it’s a privately owned bank.
The leaders of the political parties competed to sound the toughest in condemning the payout while doing nothing to actually stop the payout. The Prime Minister David Cameron said “It is disgraceful that the head of RBS is getting such a massive payout and I’m absolutely appalled, more appalled than any other political leader of course, but I have not done anything to stop the payout and will continue to not actually do anything stop this massive payout.”
Ed Miliband said, “If Labour were in government, this massive and unacceptable payout would never have gone ahead even though when Labour was in government, similar massive and unacceptable payouts happened on a regular basis. Did you know David Cameron went to Eton?”
Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats, said “Even if no-one likes me and no-one votes for me at the next election, I’m the deputy Prime Minister and no-one can ever take that away from me, can they?” When pressed to address the issue at hand, Nick Clegg said “Yes, it as an absolute disgrace and we the Liberal Democrats are bringing forward measures that are designed to make us look like we are taking action but that will not in anyway result in actual action.”
The British governments owns 99.99% of RBS through UK Financial Investments which is 100% owned by the British Government.
George Osborne said, “I would bet his bonus will be a lot less than the bonuses of other people running banks are going to get and half of what he got last year.” George Osborne actually said this, we didn’t make that quote up.
Firenado asked the Prime Minister why he won’t actually do something to stop the payout going ahead, “Well, we don’t actually want to take on the vested interests of the financial markets of course. We don’t really care in fact, but it is very important that we appear to think massive and undeserved payments are a bad thing.” Labour leader Ed Miliband added, “We would never actually do something to stop the payment going ahead of course but I must sound tough because I want to win the next election.”
Firenado’s political correspondent, Johnny Spoons explains, “No-one in the political establishment would actually do anything to stop the scandal of bankers’ bonuses because that would mean having a fundamentally different idea of how things should work i.e. that rich people should not be able to do what ever they want.”