Feb 152012
heart on fire

Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results.

“I’ve never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.”

Loveable loser Kevin told Firenado, “I just thought that we were done with all that and that we both knew that we loved each other. So I suggested to Cathy that we don’t bother with presents this year or any make any fuss really. She said that she thought it was a good idea. Sorted. Or so I thought…”

“Kevin really fucked it up this time.” said Kevin’s best mate Dan. “I told him it was a stupid idea. Get Cathy some flowers, a present and have a nice meal. She might have said that not doing anything for Valentine’s Day was a good idea but it doesn’t work like that. We all told him it was a bad idea and some of us know nothing about women. Even Barry knew it was a bad idea and he’s still a virgin and he smells and women don’t like him.”

“None of those statements are true” said Barry “but Kevin’s idea was truly terrible. Not even a card. What was he thinking?”

Firenado has learned that Cathy had thought Kevin’s professed plan to not participate in Valentine’s Day was part of an elaborate rouse and cunning romantic masterplan. Cathy had fooled herself into thinking there was a chance that Kevin would ask her to marry him.

“Will she’s shit out of luck isn’t she!!” Said Cathy’s best friend Margaret “But you make your own luck in this world and no good can come from a relationship with Kevin. Dump him. Move on. Job done.”

The morning came and went. Cathy saw flowers arriving at work but none of them were for her. It was only after Cathy got home at around 8pm that the terrible truth dawned – Kevin had done shit all for Valentine’s Day.

“It was horrible.” recalls Kevin. “She just had this look like everything good and decent in the world had died and then she just kept crying and crying and crying. I kept saying I was sorry but it was too late. She didn’t say anything. There was just this terrible moan.”

Cathy spent last night at Margaret’s and has cancelled all public appearances. Meanwhile Kevin has spent the last day staring out of the kitchen window saying “but she said she didn’t want a present…” over and over again.

 Wednesday February 15, 2012  Posted by at 2:01 pm Relationships Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 102012
You Suck!

Sarah Bellic has turned out to be a far better computer games player than her boyfriend, Michael Payne – to everyone’s surprise.

Sarah said ”Michael has always spent a lot of time playing computer games and I always thought that they were a bit stupid and a giant waste of time and that Michael should spend more time with me and actually living his life instead of sitting in his underpants in his living room playing at shooting people.”

But when Sarah was ill a few weeks ago with chronic diarrhoea she decided to see what all the fuss was about and there were some surprising results.

“As soon as I started playing, I had this sense that I had been doing this all my life. It sounds a bit weird but I felt that I was at one with the console, that my handling of the controller was an extension of my will. In a way, it was like I was born to do this. Who would have thought it? You’re not going to mention that I had chronic diarrhoea are you?”

Sarah completed all of Michael’s games in one afternoon and smashed all of his highest scores to shit.

But what about Michael’s reaction to this unexpected turn of events? On Michael’s return home that day, he didn’t believe Sarah’s claims but after several hours of playing head-to-head, Michael couldn’t hide from the fact that Sarah was much better at playing computer games than he was.

“At first it was tough to accept that Sarah is better than me at playing computer games but I’m not really that bothered. It doesn’t really matter does it?” Michael said as he looked into the distance.

But Sarah didn’t just play Michael. She launched herself into the world of online gaming and gained quite the name for herself.

“I have a lot of time for Sarah_LOL (Sarah’s tagname). Me and some other of the regulars were impressed that Sarah is really a woman and that she wasn’t a dude pretending to be a girl. Again.” said Brian Swadock aka Ninga_Gangster (Brian’s tagname). “She’s got some serious skills.”

So will playing computer games be a big part of Sarah’s future? “I don’t think so. It was fun but I think I don’t want to waste any more of my time on it. I’ve got friends, a career and more healthy, wholesome pastimes.”

However sources have informed Firenado, that Michael is secretly gutted that Sarah is so much better at playing computing games than he is. “It’s the only thing, that I’ve been good at and she’s taken it away from me” he told one friend.

The fact that she in no way sees her considerable aptitude as a valuable or desirable skill infuriates Michael even more.

Firenado has learned that Michael is secretly waiting for a pretext to end the relationship.

Michael’s mum weighed in the controversy by saying, “If Michael breaks up with Sarah then he’s an idiot. Sarah could do a lot better than Michael, he should count himself lucky.”

Sarah’s friend Becky agrees, “I don’t know what she see seems in him.”

We asked Sarah what she thought about Michael’s secret plan to end the relationship. “What? Michael wants to break up with me? But why? What have I done?”

Make sure you check in with Firenado, for further updates.

 Friday February 10, 2012  Posted by at 12:10 am Technology Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 302012

It has emerged that Gary Spannerman of Darlington is unable to understand why his wife Cathy is so insistent that they spend £6,000 on a new kitchen.

When first informed by Cathy that she had decided that they needed a new kitchen, Gary at first didn’t understand what Cathy was saying. Gary said “All the individual words made sense but the idea of spending £6,000 on a new kitchen – I thought I was missing something. I kept asking how is the current kitchen broke. How can a kitchen break? But in the end I got it – there was nothing wrong with the old kitchen. Cathy just wanted a new one.”

The ‘great kitchen controversy’ as Cathy and Gary’s friends and relatives have labelled it, has resulted in Gary questioning other aspects of his life. Gary said, “After talking to Cathy, I sat down and thought about my life. How did I end up here? I’m 38 and I’m not sure I’m really living the life that I want to. I just seemed to have slid in to it. My office job isn’t terrible but when I was younger I wanted to be an actor. When did I decide to give up on my dreams? £6,000 on a kitchen? Why don’t we save a little more, quit our jobs and go around the world for a year?”

Gary spoke to Firenado and said, “I just don’t understand. Why would we spend £6,000 on a new kitchen? It’s a huge amount of money. Our current kitchen is just fine.”

Cathy said, “We need a new kitchen. The old one is tatty. Plus it’s a good investment. It will increase the price of the house. We’ve lived in this house for 10 years, and the kitchen is at least 15 years old. It’s time we had a new kitchen.”

Cathy had done a considerable amount of research on the various possibilities and decided on one of Britain’s leading kitchen outfitters. “It’s a very modern design that will really fit in with the rest of the house. I know £6,000 is a lot of money – but that’s what a new fitted kitchen costs.”

There have been rumours that Cathy will terminate all sexual relations until an agreement on a new kitchen is reached. Sexual relations were briefly suspended after Gary questioned the need for a new kitchen on the basis that Cathy rarely uses the kitchen as it is. Cathy responded that has Gary has not provided her with children, the very least he can do is agree to the new kitchen.

Gary said “I don’t think any amount of sex is worth £6,000.” Although experts have expressed doubts as to whether Gary will to be able to go without sex for any considerable period of time without a dramatic decline in his ability to function.

Gary refutes this, “If we were to spend £6,000 on a new kitchen I wouldn’t want to have sex. I wouldn’t want to do anything. I may well curl up into a ball and just fucking die.”

Gary added, “£6,000! On a new kitchen! I just can’t understand why anybody would spend that amount of money on a kitchen.”

Analysts disagree on how the situation will resolve itself. One said, “I think the jury is still out. The most likely result is that Gary will give in, but there is a chance that a negotiated settlement will mean a kitchen that will cost in the range of £3,000 to £5,000. The prospect of Gary getting his way appear slim although we have rarely seen such determination before as we have in his opposition to spending £6,000 on a new kitchen.”

 Monday January 30, 2012  Posted by at 7:11 pm Relationships Tagged with:  No Responses »