Feb 132012
The Queen saying 'meh'

Firenado can exclusively reveal that the Queen is officially ‘not bothered’ about this year’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The Queen phoned us at 3am on Friday morning and Firenado reporter Lucy Sledgehammer asked the Monarch what were her thoughts on reaching sixty years on the throne and what was she most looking forward to about the celebrations that will mark the event.

“The Diamond Jubilee? I’m not bothered about it. It’s a lot of fuss about nothing really. The thing is, it’s just not very relevant to me personally. What does the royal family really mean in this day and age?” said the Queen. “I think that royalty meant a lot more before TV when no one had anything better to do then sit around all evening and daydream about members of the royal family.”

“But isn’t it quite an achievement to reign for 60 years?” Firenado asked. “I suppose not dying on the job is a good thing, but I’m not sure it’s worth a party.” answered the glum-sounding sovereign.

But it seems that the Queen may be in tune with public opinion with polls indicating that around 90% of the British population couldn’t give a shit about the Diamond Jubilee with only the BBC, members of the government and sycophantic weirdos being exceptions.

So what does the Queen think about all the events that will be held to celebrate her 60 years on the throne? “Waste of money isn’t it? Although an extra bank holiday will be nice, won’t it? But it’s not as though I’ll get to enjoy it. I’m working that day.”

The Diamond Jubilee marks the 60th anniversary of the Queen being the Queen and is being marked by a series of events and celebrations centred around the weekend of 4th and 5th June including;

  • 200,00 children will compete in a race over a 15-mile course through the streets of London. The winner will get to have a jacket potato meal with the Prince of Edinburgh, Johnny Ball and Gary Barlow.
  • The Prime Minister and the High Commissioners from 50 Commonwealth countries singing ‘God Save the Queen’ while bouncing up and down on the world’s largest trampoline.
  • A Thames Royal Pageant which will consist of a flotilla of 1,000 speedboats going up and down a two-mile stretch of the Thames for a 48-hour period.
  • 10 million chocolate Celebrations with tiny parachutes will be airdropped by planes all over the UK on June 5th.

As we had the chance, we asked the Queen who was her favourite Prime Minister? “Easy. Winston Churchill. He always had time for you.” And the worst? “That would be Thatcher. Whenever she came over for dinner we could only have the plastic cutlery out in case she went off on one.”

The Queen would get in to the Guinness Book of Records if she is still reigning on 10th September 2015 as she would surpass Queen Victoria as the longest reigning British Monarch.

Follow Firenado for our in-depth coverage of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

 Monday February 13, 2012  Posted by at 1:08 pm Britain, Politics Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Feb 082012

Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.

Under Goodwin’s leadership, RBS collapsed in on itself, creating a financial blackhole which sucked in £45 billion pounds of taxpayers’ money and all of Britain’s happiness since 2008.

Fred Goodwin’s time ended at RBS when everything went to shit. However despite RBS and the taxpayer losing billions, Goodwin made millions from his time at RBS and has an annual pension for the rest of time itself.

While it is normal for a pension to be paid in cash monies, for some unknown reason, not-Sir Fred Goodwin received his annual pension in the form of a big bed of money. The big bed of money costs £342,500 per year in maintenance costs and since the nationalisation of RBS such costs are effectively funded by the taxpayer.

The king-sized big bed of money consists of over 40,000 £50 notes and while not being very conformable to sleep on, is never-the-less, a big bed of money. Bed expert Anthony Shedding said, “It shouldn’t be possible to get a good nights sleep on a big bed made of money but somehow it is. We can only theorise that it’s the tangible sense of comfort and relaxation from knowing that you are sleeping on a big bed of money that gets you to sleep.”

When Fred Goodwin was informed of the loss of his knighthood, he said “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BIG BED OF MONEY??!!”. On being told that he will get to keep the big bed of money, he reportedly said, “Oh well. You win some, lose some!”, before crying himself to sleep on his big bed of money.

The forfeiture committee said that Fred Goodwin had brought the honours system into disrepute, saying ‘…and that takes some doing’. The forfeiture committee confirmed that the loss of his knighthood will in no way affect his ownership of his big bed of money.

The Prime Minister rejected demands that Fred Goodwin should be subject to regulatory action, criminal prosecution or even the loss of his big bed of money. “He’s had his knighthood taken away. I cannot see how we could have been any tougher.” He added, “Apart from actually being tough.”

The Chancellor, George Osborne, said, “I sincerely hope people accept this token gesture and that it will take everyone’s mind off the financial crisis, why it happened and how the country is utterly screwed.”

Ed Miliband, “I fully support this entirely symbolic act and this needs to the first in a whole series of entirely symbolic acts. As long these symbolic acts don’t upset too many rich and powerful people.” The Labour leader added, “I really want to be Prime Minister.” Before asking the Firenado reporter how he intended to vote at the next election.

A government insider added, “It is clear, despite all evidence to the contrary, that Fred Goodwin was solely responsible for Britain’s economic difficulties. Along with Ed Miliband and Ed Balls.”

The former Chancellor Alistar Darling objected to Fred Goodwin losing his knighthood by saying, “It was my fault too.”

Our financial correspondent Johnny Spoons said, “Everyone seems to have forgotten about the big bed of money and that Fred Goodwin was merely one person among many in the whole of the banking sector and political elite, all of whom enthusiastically supported a reckless financial system and a lack of regulation that led to the economic collapse in 2008.”

The Financial Services Authority as well as leading politicians on both sides are regarded by many to have a played a substantial part in the banking crisis due to weak oversight of the financial markets. The FSA was unable to give a comment as everybody at the FSA had been taken out to lunch this afternoon by the British Banker’s Association.

Fred Goodwin originally received a knighthood in 2004 from the previous Labour Government for services to Banking.

 Wednesday February 8, 2012  Posted by at 12:00 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 282012

Controversy Erupts Over Banker’s Bonuses

A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it’s a privately owned bank.

The leaders of the political parties competed to sound the toughest in condemning the payout while doing nothing to actually stop the payout. The Prime Minister David Cameron said “It is disgraceful that the head of RBS is getting such a massive payout and I’m absolutely appalled, more appalled than any other political leader of course, but I have not done anything to stop the payout and will continue to not actually do anything stop this massive payout.”

Ed Miliband said, “If Labour were in government, this massive and unacceptable payout would never have gone ahead even though when Labour was in government, similar massive and unacceptable payouts happened on a regular basis. Did you know David Cameron went to Eton?”

Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats, said “Even if no-one likes me and no-one votes for me at the next election, I’m the deputy Prime Minister and no-one can ever take that away from me, can they?” When pressed to address the issue at hand, Nick Clegg said “Yes, it as an absolute disgrace and we the Liberal Democrats are bringing forward measures that are designed to make us look like we are taking action but that will not in anyway result in actual action.”

The British governments owns 99.99% of RBS through UK Financial Investments which is 100% owned by the British Government.

George Osborne said, “I would bet his bonus will be a lot less than the bonuses of other people running banks are going to get and half of what he got last year.” George Osborne actually said this, we didn’t make that quote up.

Firenado asked the Prime Minister why he won’t actually do something to stop the payout going ahead, “Well, we don’t actually want to take on the vested interests of the financial markets of course. We don’t really care in fact, but it is very important that we appear to think massive and undeserved payments are a bad thing.” Labour leader Ed Miliband added, “We would never actually do something to stop the payment going ahead of course but I must sound tough because I want to win the next election.”

Firenado’s political correspondent, Johnny Spoons explains, “No-one in the political establishment would actually do anything to stop the scandal of bankers’ bonuses because that would mean having a fundamentally different idea of how things should work i.e. that rich people should not be able to do what ever they want.”

 Saturday January 28, 2012  Posted by at 11:21 am Finance and Work Tagged with: ,  No Responses »