Feb 202012

In Part 1 Gary Apricot told Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons his harrowing account of how he was stuck in a lift with Professor Richard Dawkins and the unelected-Baroness Warsi…

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

“Nothing happened at first. We all stood there in complete silence for about five minutes. So eventually I said ‘I think the lift is stuck.’ Still they just stood there, looking straight ahead like they could stare the situation away by sheer force of will. I squeezed around them, being very careful not to touch them, and pressed the emergency button and then I didn’t know what to say so I said ‘I’ve just pressed the emergency button.’ They both looked at me like I was some kind of dim-witted fool. So I squeezed around them again and we all just stood there.”

I told Gary that Firenado would want our money back if this story didn’t get any better. Gary continued, “So then Richard Dawkins said ‘Maybe we should all pray’ in what I can only describe as an incredibly sarcastic way. The unelected-Baroness Warsi just turned to him and with fury in her voice said ‘You Godless shit!’. They both looked incredibly angry.” Gary told me how for the next 2 hours Warsi and Dawkins had a wide-ranging discussion about the existence of God and the role of faith and secularism in a modern democratic state.

“It was very interesting but after the first hour I tuned out really. I stuck in my headphones and listed to some Chumbawamba on my MP3. I then realised I had a bag of Wotsits in my bag. I got them out and I realised that they had both stopped speaking and were looking at my bag of Wotsits. ‘We should share all the Wotsits’ said professer Dawkins and I reluctantly agreed. I had been looking forward to the whole bag but I suppose they were as hungry as me. We eat the Wotsits in silence. I handed them out one at time. It was quiet surreal really.” I nodded at Gary’s wise words.

Then we heard a voice from outside say ‘the lift is stuck but should be fixed in two or three hours.’ Both the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Professer Dawkins looked dejected. I thought they needed cheering up so I told them I might have another bag of Wotsits. Then they both started a continuous low moaning sound that got louder and louder until it became a scream and the scream got louder and louder until it became like a siren. I had to put my hands over my ears. They were both just stood there screaming and then this strange light started to beam out of their mouths and eyes.”

“Then there was this almighty clang and then a moment later the lift just dropped at an incredible speed for what seemed like a minute. There was an almighty crash. The doors opened and we were in hell!” Gary screamed at the top of his voice, looking at me with his mad-bastard eyes.

I then told Gary that I wanted my money back. With a look of disappointment, he pulled out the cash I had given him only 15 minutes before and he handed it to me. I took it, stood up and headed to my car. Over my shoulder I heard Gary shout, “I could tell you about the time I took a taxi with Melanie Phillips and Bob Crow!” I shook my head and walked away.

 Monday February 20, 2012  Posted by at 1:33 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 172012

A special report from Firenado special correspondent Johnny Spoons.

“I don’t know about heaven but I sure believe in hell – because I’ve seen it.” were the first words that Gary Apricot said to me.

I found Gary sitting on the back steps of his house in a quiet street in Enfield. He was furiously smoking a rolled-up cigarette, rocking ever so slightly back and forth. I said “HELLO” very loudly. Gary lept-up and started screaming. You could tell that he was somewhat agitated but he agreed to speak to Firenado after I calmed him down and offered him some money.

“It was just a day like any other or so I thought.” said Gary, his eyes manically darting side-to-side looking for danger. “I’d just finished a meeting with a client and had gone into the lift – just like I’ve done hundreds of times before. I have always had a fear of lifts after I found out that on average, one person every day somewhere in the world is decapitated entering or leaving a lift. You see if the cable snaps, the lift is so heavy it falls so fast that it just chops the person in two. I thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to someone in a lift. I was wrong”.

Gary continued, “I got in at the 14th floor. At the 10th floor a man walked in and I thought I recognised him so I just stared at him, as you do, but he stopped and stared back with the scariest eyes I’d ever seen and said ‘What?’ in an incredibly sarcastic way. I then realised it was Richard Dawkins. All he said to me was ‘I’m sorry for being so incredibly smug.’ and I thought well this will make for an interesting story. Nothing happened until we got to the 7th floor. The lift doors opened and who was there but the unelected-Baroness Warsi. They just stared at each other and then she walked in and stood beside him.”

I asked Gary what was the atmosphere like. “Awkward. It very awkward.” was all Gary would say.

“The unelected-Baroness Warsi looked at me and said ‘I’ve just escaped from the lunatic asylum’ ” and she made a ‘pop’ sound with her mouth. I thought that that was a strange thing to say but then she is clearly mental I suppose. I wondered if they were going to have an argument but before anything happened we got to the fourth floor and the lift just stopped. It took a second for me to realise that I was stuck in a lift with the unelected-Baroness Warsi and Richard Dawkins. I thought ‘this is cool’. How wrong can a man be?”

So what happened next? Gary looked away and took a big breath…

PART 2 – Click here

 Friday February 17, 2012  Posted by at 2:00 pm And Finally Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Jan 272012

In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview – for the first time EVER!

At the Firenado offices we were naturally sceptical when someone got in touch claiming to be the month of January but in the end we decided to just go with it.

January, or Jan, as he likes to be called, said that he just couldn’t take it anymore. “You know, it really can get a month down when everyone bad mouths you – or should that be – bad months yer!” Jan gloomily joked. “Every year it’s the same story, everyone saying how much they think I suck, how terrible they feel in January and how they can’t wait to see the back of me.”

“What people don’t understand is that December is a really tough act to follow. Everyone loves December and why wouldn’t they? December’s got Christmas and what have I got? My hands on my balls, that’s what. ”

Is there anything good about being January? “Well it’s great to be number one, I’m number one kinda guy, I mean month, after all. And it’s great to start the year with a big party, don’t get me wrong, but it is a little weird. Everyone’s all pissed up when I get there and that’s the highlight quite frankly because it’s all downhill from there. Everyone goes mental with resolutions, giving up this and that, getting all depressed when they fail.

Everyone blames me for being so poor. Listen, it wasn’t me that spunked away all your money over Christmas.

And why are so people glad that I’m about to finish? Feb ain’t all that, I mean he’s alright, but it’s not as though there is a lot to him, is there? What do you think of when you think of Feb? A leap day. Well that’s only once every four years. I don’t mean to be rude but Feb isn’t all there. 28 days?”

“Or 29!!”, we pointed out! January just stared at us with his sad and haunted eyes.

As we had January in the Firenado offices, we took the opportunity to pose the questions everyone’s been gagging to know the answers to!!

We asked January what did he really think of the summer months, July and August? “I don’t really know them that well, it’s a bit of a chalk and cheese situation, but if I had to comment, I would probably say they were smug bastards and that I hate them.”

But is January that different from July, as in the southern hemisphere January is quite warm and it gets chilly in July? “Yeah, good point.” January replies.

So does January have any tips for Firenado readers in getting through January? “Keep those expectations low, real low. When you have them as low as you think you can ever have them, lower ‘em so more.

A digit change in the year number doesn’t mean that you can magically change too. Rather than trying to change everything in your life – pick one thing and put all your energy in to that that. And keep your Christmas decorations up.”

So what does January do for the rest of the year, when he’s not busy being January? “Not much.”

NEXT MONTH: February

 Friday January 27, 2012  Posted by at 1:52 pm Madness Tagged with:  No Responses »