May 222013

“Fuck fire, fuck the wheel and fuck you all!” So said the booming voice from the loudspeakers to the gathering of technology journalists in Richmond, Washington State, as Microsoft launched the Xbox One on to humanity like some kind of benevolent cybernetic computer god.

The voice continued, “How good is this invention? Why not combine all other inventions, from the history of mankind until about five minutes ago, and then go fuck yourself.”

Industry insiders have described the launch of Microsoft’s new console and successor to the Xbox 360 as consisting of “a very confident publicity strategy bordering on arrogant/insulting/a personality disorder”.

A spokesperson for Microsoft said, “How fucking awesome is all this?” The new gaming machine consists of the most advanced computer technology ever created and is powered by star dust and the tears of giants.

The frenzy of excitement at the event peaked when Bill Gates arrived. Temporarily coming out of retirement, the founder of Microsoft spent the entire presentation with two middle fingers stuck up to the audience, before leaving without saying a word.

An insider for Sony’s PS4, the Xbox One’s main rival, admitted they were taken aback by the ‘exuberant and frankly demented’ nature of the Xbox One launch.

The new console was behind bulletproof glass to protect the audience from the awesomeness of the console and the console from the inevitable tidal wave of sexual excretions that would be launched from the crowd.

When asked by a reporter if they were in danger of over-hyping the new console, the staff of Microsoft as one descended on the reporter raining down a storm of punches and kicks, before throwing him out of a tenth-story window to his death.

The event concluded with the words, “The atomic age is over. The Xbox One age has begun.” and a 24-hour firework display.

 Wednesday May 22, 2013  Posted by at 10:26 am Technology  Add comments

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